Today I officially started my PhD. Hooray!
Perhaps like many people at the University of Washington (UW) today, my first day of class involved a jumble of mental gymnastics, and yes, fine, feelings. Excitement? Check. Anxiety? Check. Self-doubt and a solid injection of imposter syndrome? Check and check. Confidence that this is exactly what I should be doing, at this time in my life, in this program, xyz, etc? Sure, maybe, righto, how about that...
Here's the thing: I doubt that I, or anyone who is truly honest with themselves, could unequivocally answer yes to the latter with confidence as they commence their studies (particularly at the graduate level). Or do I have it all wrong – could I be a lone wolf, though certainly a less intimidating species within the Canidae family, in an academic quagmire of my own making?
Well, it's certainly possible. I'm a mid-30s female who loves science and research, but until recently, had written off pursuing a doctorate – "I just don't see it in the cards for me" was surely said a few times over the years. I then deferred commencing the UW PhD program in Global Health, now joining this year's cohort rather than in September 2017 – hence Step 2: Actually start PhD. The why and who and what and where of that journey deserves its own thoughtful, nuanced take, but the most important thing is that today, here I am, saying "Yes, me!" to pursuing a PhD.
Is it going be smooth-sailing from here on out? Goodness no. Will I have to fight off those invasive seeds of mental self-sabotage, not-so-innocently asking questions like 'don't you wish you were making your old salary' and 'do you think you'd be done by now if you had tried a UK-based program'? Geezums yes. Can it all be worth it? I'd like to think so.
My goal here is to carve out a space where I can, on occasion (or perhaps more frequently), write about the ups and downs and everything in between of pursuing a doctorate. My hope is that, in doing so, I can better (1) maintain some semblence of writing skill amid a greater focus on quantitiatve methods and coding; (2) track the little victories along the inevitably winding route toward PhD completion; and importantly, (3) shed light on what it actually takes to pursue a doctorate (as well as lessons learned along the way).
Too often I hear people (especially but certainly not limited to women) who love science and research but, for many reasons, reside in a mental space where pursuing a PhD or particular types of higher education/leadership roles does not seem like a viable option or path for them. To overcome the latter, many people say "well, you just need absolute confidence in yourself: conquer self-doubt, banish negative thinking, develop the mindset where you deserve xyz as much as or more the next person!" While I'm sure this approach can be quite successful (insert comment about certain types of privilege here), that won't ever be my modus operandi (yes, I just Googled what MO stands for). The confluence of my personal hardwiring, upbringing, and societal forces make me morphing into a confidence demi-god(dess) quite improbable (p < 0.0000001 for those of you who still like p-values).
Rather, I've learned a lot from numerous brilliant, strong, inspiring people (especially but certainly not limited to women) in my life, including how to work through or offset stubborn streaks of self-doubt and negative thinking; identify whatt ypes of jobs or career paths I want (and things I need to get to there); and find the types of mentors and mentorship relationships from which I garner the most support. For me at least, no silver bullet exists, nor do I anticipate the availability of a neatly wrapped panacea in the future. What I've learned over the years – and from whom I've learned such things – has made all the difference, and well, I'd like to pay it forward.
So here's to starting – actually starting – a PhD and everything, planned and unplanned, that will come along the way. As some Toros would say, bring. it. on.
Perhaps like many people at the University of Washington (UW) today, my first day of class involved a jumble of mental gymnastics, and yes, fine, feelings. Excitement? Check. Anxiety? Check. Self-doubt and a solid injection of imposter syndrome? Check and check. Confidence that this is exactly what I should be doing, at this time in my life, in this program, xyz, etc? Sure, maybe, righto, how about that...
Here's the thing: I doubt that I, or anyone who is truly honest with themselves, could unequivocally answer yes to the latter with confidence as they commence their studies (particularly at the graduate level). Or do I have it all wrong – could I be a lone wolf, though certainly a less intimidating species within the Canidae family, in an academic quagmire of my own making?
Well, it's certainly possible. I'm a mid-30s female who loves science and research, but until recently, had written off pursuing a doctorate – "I just don't see it in the cards for me" was surely said a few times over the years. I then deferred commencing the UW PhD program in Global Health, now joining this year's cohort rather than in September 2017 – hence Step 2: Actually start PhD. The why and who and what and where of that journey deserves its own thoughtful, nuanced take, but the most important thing is that today, here I am, saying "Yes, me!" to pursuing a PhD.
Is it going be smooth-sailing from here on out? Goodness no. Will I have to fight off those invasive seeds of mental self-sabotage, not-so-innocently asking questions like 'don't you wish you were making your old salary' and 'do you think you'd be done by now if you had tried a UK-based program'? Geezums yes. Can it all be worth it? I'd like to think so.
My goal here is to carve out a space where I can, on occasion (or perhaps more frequently), write about the ups and downs and everything in between of pursuing a doctorate. My hope is that, in doing so, I can better (1) maintain some semblence of writing skill amid a greater focus on quantitiatve methods and coding; (2) track the little victories along the inevitably winding route toward PhD completion; and importantly, (3) shed light on what it actually takes to pursue a doctorate (as well as lessons learned along the way).
Too often I hear people (especially but certainly not limited to women) who love science and research but, for many reasons, reside in a mental space where pursuing a PhD or particular types of higher education/leadership roles does not seem like a viable option or path for them. To overcome the latter, many people say "well, you just need absolute confidence in yourself: conquer self-doubt, banish negative thinking, develop the mindset where you deserve xyz as much as or more the next person!" While I'm sure this approach can be quite successful (insert comment about certain types of privilege here), that won't ever be my modus operandi (yes, I just Googled what MO stands for). The confluence of my personal hardwiring, upbringing, and societal forces make me morphing into a confidence demi-god(dess) quite improbable (p < 0.0000001 for those of you who still like p-values).
Rather, I've learned a lot from numerous brilliant, strong, inspiring people (especially but certainly not limited to women) in my life, including how to work through or offset stubborn streaks of self-doubt and negative thinking; identify whatt ypes of jobs or career paths I want (and things I need to get to there); and find the types of mentors and mentorship relationships from which I garner the most support. For me at least, no silver bullet exists, nor do I anticipate the availability of a neatly wrapped panacea in the future. What I've learned over the years – and from whom I've learned such things – has made all the difference, and well, I'd like to pay it forward.
So here's to starting – actually starting – a PhD and everything, planned and unplanned, that will come along the way. As some Toros would say, bring. it. on.
