Dog days of code

morning.fun.with.dogs.before.coding.all.day <- c("Copper", "Spike", "Gabby", "Kelly")

Unfortunately, that's probably the extent of R I'll code today. For better or for worse, Stata is just so much faster for the data cleaning/formatting I need to reexecute in order to prep my project's data for new analyses next week. You win some, you lose some.

Today I learned...
*Technically, I learned this on Thursday, not today, but it's too good not to share*
While humans see in three primary colors (i.e., our eyes have three types of cones, which then allow us to see red, green, and blue light), chickens have 12 cones in their eyes, and thus can see in 12 different primary colors! Can you imagine how chickens would describe colors if they could do more than squawk - or if human beings could chat with chickens in...Chicken-ese? about how they experience the world?!

I learned in Chris Adolph's CSSS569 course, Visualizing Data and Methods, which has been phenomenal thus far. I highly recommend it to anyone interested in the theory (cognitive psychology, hurrah!) and generation of effective visualizations of social science methods and data.

Today I'm grateful for...
A good night's sleep. I slept long and hard last night, which I desparately needed after a few weeks of various ups, downs, and stress involving the royal triad of school, work, and life matters. Physical and psychological lethargy had been dragging me down recently, so it was quite lovely to finally feel more spritely this morning.

Today's best part was...
Thus far, it's been solving some tricky automation code I needed to debug and troubleshoot today. I had spent various chunks of the last week trying to figure out how to code up a systematic way to select patients' baseline and endline biometric measures while accounting gaps in baseline measurement timing (i.e., at enrollment, sometimes patients didn't have A1c or blood pressure readings so we needed to use the next most recent measures), but hadn't been able to fully implement it across various datasets. 

R is for R

Yesterday, I got my first professional rejection in a long time.

Well, technially I wasn't formally rejected; it was a rejection by omission by waiting for a potential email of good news, never receiving it, and then learning at least one person did in fact receive said email of good news. Horrifyingly, I questioned whether something was wrong with the UW email server before realizing I just didn't make the cut; I'm still shaking my head at such a presumption.

I'm not exactly sure why this one stung so much. Maybe it's because I haven't applied for a 'reach' position for awhile. Maybe it's because I'm feeling a bit more vulnerable in grad school, as I spend most of my days trying to tackle concepts and skills I either don't know or I'm expressly not great at yet. Maybe it's because I never got the opportunity to really show who I am or what I can offer in person - me on paper wasn't enough. Maybe it simply feels crappy and that's just how it is.

After some tears were spilled and beers were swilled, I'm feeling moderately better - and extremely motivated to figure out next steps for this summer. I know this rejection is likely to be the beginning of many more, but that's because I'm determined to keep putting myself out there and reaching for the proverbial global health stars.

Today I learned...
A lot more about Kamala Harris's political positions and background. In other words, I woke up at 2 am last night, couldn't get back to sleep for awhile, and read a lot of Vox articles.

Today I'm grateful for...
The people who can be both supportive and candidly put everything in perspective. That's a tough balance to achieve, and I'm grateful I have a lot of those people in my life.

Today's best part...
Seeing how much Copper, the dog I'm dog-sitting for the next week-plus, is warming up to me. That and he intently listened to my "Stay" commands at mealtimes. It feels like we're settling into a happy little routine. 

On the strength of vulnerability

"The way you put it all out there - how you're open about your challenges and successes and everything in between. I admire that."

Of course, I was both extremely flattered and flustered by these kind words uttered by my PhD cohortmate last week. The former because, who wouldn't be touched by such generosity, and the latter because, well such generosity. Here's why: there's nothing particularly unique or special about the challenges and successes and everything in between concerning my experiences as a first-year doctoral student thus far. And in many ways, I have it easier than many of my cohortmates, or at least my day-to-day involves fewer immediate demands or dependents to balance alongside my studies; I have no idea how classmates effectively navigate school needs (i.e., class, studying/homework, RA- or TA-ships) and raising children, taking care of their parents, etc. Objectively, any sacrifices I've had to make to date also pale in comparison with others; my heart hurts whenever I think about how so many classmates are pursuing their scholastic and professional dreams while their spouses, children, and families are literally continents away.

From my perspective, there's so much strength to be found in vulnerability - not only for yourself, but also for the people around you. The ability to recognize one's flaws or weaknesses or challenges and actively try to improve on them however you can. The willingness to genuinely apologize for your mistakes, to admit when you're wrong. The understanding that, by acknowledging that you want or need support beyond your own capacities, you're paving a better path forward - and not being weak. In so many situations and places - particularly for women - showing any kind of vulnerability is automatically cast as a negative trait, an act that needs to be squashed. I know numerous talented people who - due to whatever circumstances or reasons - would rather bend over backwards, walk over hot coals, etc. than say "I'm sorry" with no buts, follow-up explanations, or other types of apology hedging. In a similar vein, I truly believe there's strength in being open about if various experiences have been challenging and how they've been overcome. Again, not only for yourself, but for others as well.

It took me years - nearly a decade - to finally, fully believe that I too could be smart enough, talented enough, capable enough to join the ranks of prospective PhDs. The people I knew pursuing doctorates seemed to effortlessly learn and excel; to apply and be accepted for awe-inspiring internships, fellowships, jobs, etc.; to know what and how and where they wanted to go and be. I existed in, or at least I thought I occupied, a different orbit of intellect and indecisiveness. Yet in more recent years, they - and others, so many brave others - have talked or written about their challenges and insecurities in the same breath or page as their successes and achievements. It turns out that we're all more similar than different - and this kind of understanding needs to be shared more often and with more people. As I talk with many early career professionals (again, particularly women), too many mental barriers remain between where they are and the places they'd like to be. So, if I can do anything, literally anything at all, to help one person find their strength amid their vulnerabilities...well, I can't imagine many things better than that.

Today I learned...
I still remember some tricks of the trade for R, which means I retained some modicum of coding knowledge gained in CSSS501 and the half of CSSS503 I took last year. Thank you Jeff Arnold!

Today I'm grateful for...
Annie Haakenstad, a woman who constantly inspires me and then makes me cackle with glee. It makes me so happy that we can have serious discussions about research, grad school, and career aims followed by gchat-based /ponystream(s) and testing of what combinations of "ha ha" elicit giggling chickens to pop up. I sometimes I think about what my life would be like if we hadn't been officemates for ~2.5 years and then I stop doing that because life's too short to ruminate on such terrible what-ifs.

Today's best part...
Was a dinner-working night with Roy Burstein. Few people are more enjoyable as both friends and colleagues as Roy, and well, I feel pretty darn lucky to know Dr. Burstein.

Visualize this

And here's the world's worst data visualization, per Edward Tufte in Visual Display of Quantitative Information and presented by Chris Adolph, our phenomenal professor in CS&SS569. All of that chart-junk for no more than five data points - such malarkey!

I think - I hope - I'm settling into a better routine for class/homework/studying/work/life. The Google tasks list is really helping for checking off things and easily being able to refer to what I need to do over the next few days. Over the weekend I need to do a bit more on getting readings organized (and completed), reviewing some of the class material from this week, and of course two coding assignments...yep, the grad school train never ends.

Today I learned...
Apparently I'm the number #1 social media disseminator of results from the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation (IHME) (or at least those can be linked to IHME) after the @IHME_UW handle itself. Who knew.

Today I'm grateful for...
Having two functional, healthy legs that let me walk all around campus, between class and work, and to/from bus stops and home. Since leaving my old job for a 2-month break this summer and starting grad school in September, I consistently average 2,000 to 4,000 more steps per day than I had in months (source: iPhone heart-shaped app thing). The main driver of this trend is having class every day, and then foot-motoring myself all over campus, the U district, etc. I know I'm very fortunate to be able to walk around all over the place like I do; beyond my legs and health, where I live and go to school really allows me to do this - and I'm grateful for that.

Today's best part...
Was two-fold: (1) Vasudha returning to work from her 3-week trip in India (her brother got married); and (2) catching up with my friend Jess, who hasn't been in Seattle for more than a few beats since December 7. I missed/miss both of these lovely women, and I was so happy to see/chat with them.

Hit me with your best shot

This is what you do when it's 53 and sunny in January, the dog you’re dogsitting isn’t happy about being inside, and you have a whole book to read by Tuesday.

Catching rays and Edward Tufte aside, I'm both excited and nervous about this quarter.

I'm excited because I'm deliberately trying to implement lessons learned from last quarter to my studies and time management routine. For instance, I now have a master to-do list on Google tasks so I can better keep track of deadlines across classes, work, and life responsibilities/needs. I've also organized my schedule to guard time during the day and week to study and complete homework rather than heaping everything into the weekends. I'm excited to challenge myself in new ways: tackling a larger courseload; coding up expanded and new analyses for my research assistantship; and applying for summer internships outside of my immediate comfort zones (i.e., health research institutes and academia). I'm excited to more vehemently push back the self-doubts that occasionally crept into my psyche last quarter, and to further strengthen my skills in the areas where I continue to feel the least confident (coughbiostatscough).

As much as there's a lot to be excited about, I remain unsettled by various elements. I'm nervous that I'm not solidifying or honing in what exactly I want to work on for the next year or so, let alone dissertation and longer-term research endeavors. Every time we're asked to introduce ourselves in class and provide a sentence or two about our main interests, I panic - impact evaluations, I like those, but also malaria, and then vaccines, and what about health systems, and of course universal health coverage, and ohmygoshwhatIdoIwanttodooooo - and then bluster through something that squarely qualifies as gobbledygook. I'm nervous the very thing I need to do be successful in graduate school - spend thousands of hours studying and learning and coding and thinking on my own - is going to leave me deeply unhappy, and well, very alone. Ten-plus years in the workforce has fundamentally changed the way I like to learn and work since my last bout of being a full-time student, yet group studying and projects in school can be so fraught with frustration unless you magically amass the right combination of people at the right time, place, etc. I'm nervous about how grad school will continue to affect my friendships and relationships, immediately and longer term. In some ways, the full-time-work to grad school transition has enabled a greater flexibility to spend time with my people in ways I'm so appreciative of; for example, the week spent with my nephew and family in Maine uninterrupted by school or work after finals was one of the best weeks I've had in a long, long time. In other ways, I've really struggled to properly carve out time for good friends in a regular manner, let alone create the literal and emotional space for new people, friends or otherwise. Such a strange internal conflict has recently emerged, particularly around how to prioritize myself, my studies, and all of the other many, many important things beyond my little sphere of existence. Here I am, finally having amassed the confidence and willingness to ditch a well-paying, hey-I'm-pretty-good-at-this set of jobs for the chance to pursue a career trajectory I've always wanted but never thought I was smart or good enough to qualify for. It's the time to focus on what I need and to try to do this whole thing to the best of my ability - and it should feel great and empowering and thrilling, right? Instead, I constantly find myself questioning whether I'm doing enough - for school and what I need to learn; for others, from those who have been my people for years to a new man and figuring out if or how he might fit into my life; and for myself, the personal to professional to the yadda yadda yadda lobster bisque. Learning how to articulate what I need or want, and then advocate for it, has not been easy; for anyone who has met me and thinks otherwise, remember that appearances can be quite deceiving. 2019 has already tested some of these gains: would I 'confront' an uncomfortable situation and ask someone to pay for the glasses her dog ate under my watch? [Yes, and I decided I felt best about splitting the cost; hurrah!] Could I find the words to best represent my otherwise still-in-progress, unsatisfactorily nebulous thoughts? [The jury very much remains out on this one] And here's the fun part: it's only the beginning of the year. I say hit me with your best shot, or any other trite-yet-inspirational 1980s song title.

Today I learned...
How much satisfaction I could get out of inputting most of the quarter's tasks and deadlines into a master to-do list in Google tasks. And then being able to check off all of my school-related items until Wednesday - oh yes, that was very, very satisfying. Now, about that dry-cleaning I was supposed to pick up last week...three months ago...

Today I'm grateful for...
Melanie Hobart - for her friendship, for dogpark adventures with Spike, and for everything in between.

Today's best part...
Was spending time outside, whether it was romping in the dogpark with human and canine friends alike or reading for school. It was one of those days you truly feel grateful to "live in the sunshine...[and] drink the wild air," per Ralph Waldo Emerson.

A new quarter, a new year

Somewhere between November 19 and this evening, a lot happened - including, of course (no pun intended?), finishing my first quarter of doctoral studies. 

During this time, I meant to write more, document the big and small happenings of pursuing PhD-dom (e.g., big - being a keynote speaker at the European Public Health Association's conference in Slovenia, coding up results for my research team's big deliverables right before finals; small - learning how to better balance finals' studying and maintaining a regular physical activity routine, having a teammate say she's never seen such beautiful graphs made in Stata, toasting to a few cohortmates after our biostatistics final). I don't want to miss the big and small occurrences, as I truly believe I have much to learn from both during the course of my PhD. That's important to me.

But here's the thing - taking a break, a real break, after my first quarter back at school turned out be really important too. That meant leaving my computer back in Seattle when I went to Maine to see family (and finally meet my nephew!). No one, including myself, could remember the last winter holiday in which I wasn't frantically doing some kind of work for folks back at the office; for instance, last year, I was running analyses for WHO on universal health coverage while my brother and sister-in-law were making Christmas cookies. That meant not going into the office until last week - and only chipping away at a few things without getting particularly worked up about my current to-do list. That meant not opening any textbooks, however tempting they were, and only reading non-scholastic books (cue Michelle Obama's incredible Becoming). 

After 10+ years working in one academic environment or another, you'd think I would have learned how to better ride the tides of work, school, and non-work-school activities by now. And while I've certainly made progress, it's still a challenge to truly step away and give myself a break. How come? Well, the dimensions are undoubtedly numerous and likely a blend of conscious and unconscious factors. I know they include having a people-pleasing streak 10 miles wide and feeling like I need to deliver on the privileges I've been afforded in my life thus far (i.e., growing up with a supportive and loving family; having access to great educational and professional opportunities). I know they involve being both driven to succeed and terrified of failure, never wanting to either let myself down or the people and organizations that have invested so much in me to date. I know they include wanting to improve the world, in one way or another, and recognizing how much hard work it takes to tackle the important, complicated challenges so many people face. But as I've increasingly learned, I can't put my best self forward and contribute to improving the world's health if I'm mentally drained and/or physically exhausted from burning every candles' ends. I have to step away, take a real break, and then return with greater clarity and purpose.

Melinda Gates' selection of "grace" as her word of the year for 2018 - and now again for 2019 - resonates with me. Grace for myself, grace for others, and grace for the circumstances I can't do anything about. Here's to a new quarter - Winter 2019! - and a new year.

Today I learned...

There are absolutely no standard CV formats in existence - none. I recently realized I'm missing some key sections in my CV, plus I hadn't updated it since March 2018. Some great recommendations came through a Twitter inquiry and Google has some decent options, but it looks like this is going to be more of an endeavor than I originally thought.

Today I'm grateful for...

Hot lemon water. While I fully recognize that any "science" suggesting health benefits from hot lemon water is dubious at best, I nonetheless enjoy (1) its taste; (2) the warmth it provides; and (3) any placebo effects in combatting fledgling colds it may offer. 

Today's best part...

Was hearing from a Middlebury College junior who is absolutely ecstatic to pursue training and a career in global health research. Her excitement for combining her skills in computer science and dedication to public health has energized me, and I so look forward to trying to connect her with the future opportunities.