Let it be, let it PhD

As I've sought to take a few beats and reflect on the last couple weeks, Let It Be by the Beattles floated into my statistics-scorched mind and has kindly stuck around. It's provided a gentle, melodious reminder of what I need to aim for as I face what I can only describe as deep unmooring of myself from head to heart. There will be answers, in one way or another; the nights will become less cloudy in time. I just need to find the ways to let it be, so to speak. Finding greater grace and acceptance, of what is and can be, and becoming more comfortable with the changing tides of this PhD ocean I find myself on.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be

There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

I spent about 40 minutes, ranging from simply crying to essentially sobbing, in my faculty advisor's office last week. "I'm so unhappy," I sputtered, almost immediately after I sat down. "I feel so useless and stupid and so lost...and so...undocked...unmoored?" I eventually got out, desperately trying to pin a label or two on the unsettling defeat and sadness I had increasingly felt over the quarter. "I don't belong here...I'm literally the dumbest person in my program...I shouldn't have done this...I'm so lonely...why didn't I go elsewhere when I had the chance?...I'm never going to be a statistician or health metrics guru or coding whiz...I hate feeling so dumb and unhelpful to my team and slow...and just everything." My faculty advisor passed me a tissue box and listened until I finished unpeeling the layers of self-doubt, despondency, and isolation that had brought me to this point.

Thankfully, my faculty advisor is no stranger to students' or employees' emotional roller coasters, and to mine in particular. Over the decade plus we've known each other, she has given me the tough love and feedback I needed (and often before I knew I needed it); supported me through exciting and painful professional decisions alike; and helped me navigate personal losses and heartbreak. For some people having this kind of mentor fusion across professional and personal dimensions may seem odd and/or would not be preferred. After all, faculty advisors can wield a lot of power of over your academic and career pathways, and the fact that mine has seen me through some of my personal lows, from the dissolution of an engagement several years ago to a more recent decision to stay in Seattle/go to UW and end a relationship with a man I nonetheless deeply loved, is sometimes a bit scary. Even after all of these years, part of me was terrified to admit the depths of my sadness, frustration, and rutterlessness at that meeting - as if I was letting her down as much as myself.

The remainder of our meeting was spent talking about the wide prevalence of such experiences in graduate school and especially PhD programs; how this particular program was never going to be a cakewalk for me ("If all you had wanted was a PhD, there were much easier routes"); and what tangible steps we collectively and I individually could take to hopefully improve aspects going forward. I left our meeting drained and still feeling unmoored, a sense that kept me raw and tears close at bay for hours, if not days later. Yet I also felt ever so slightly better, like heavy gears slowly inching toward motion, offering hints of a sunnier horizon and gently whispering, you’ll get there, just hang on a little longer. Let it be.


Today I learned...
I can be a steely tough scientist and emotionally splintered human being at the same time.

Today I'm grateful for...
The people who listen. The people who accept you, from the great to ugly, and want to see you succeed. The people I get to have in my life, since having such wonderful, genuine, emotionally-supportive people is never a given.

Today's best part...
Honestly, I'm still working that out. Perhaps an early bed time will do.

Elephants can get TB too

Winter 2019 midterms are finally over! Multiple snowdays last week and mounting non-school work made it feel like midterms would never end. Yet they did and I left them feeling more confident about what I learned this quarter than my first quarter. Whether that actually translates into good scores - well, that's another matter. However, I'm really trying to focus on the reasons I'm doing a PhD - to learn and to improve on the areas I struggle - and worry less about homework or exam grades.

This isn't easy, particularly when a lot of classmates get riled up about their GPAs, how much time they're studying for tests, and trying to ace class assignments. It's challenging to consistently quell the anxiety that you're not doing enough or gaining knowledge as quickly as fellow students; to genuinely derive satisfaction from your own (gradual) personal progress without comparing your performance against others and skittering into imposter syndrome feedback cycles. One step at a time, one step at a time...

Today I learned...
Two things! (well, two things that particularly tickled my fancy):
1) Elephants can get and transmit tuberculosis (TB), just like humans. Apparently it can be pretty rough on them too, with their large respiratory systems and all.
2) BMI - body mass index - also was/is called the Quetelet index. I was reading an early 1990s paper for a homework assignment and couldn't figure out why this Quetelet index kept being talked about (especially when the homework question was asking about obesity). Google revealed that, lo and behold, BMI and the Quetelet index are one in the same. I wonder why or how BMI became more widely known, both in general but also among researchers...oh the Google-ing rabbit holes to hop down!

Today I'm grateful for...
The IHME Post-Bachelor Fellowship. I'm currently helping with interviews (and dogsitting dogs of interviewers), and as I'm talking with candidates, I keep thinking about how much the program shaped my career and life trajectories. It was far from smooth-sailing and I certainly had my share of ups and many downs, but the IHME PBF program ultimately equipped me with the scientific foundation, skills, and passion for global health research that keeps me excited about pursuing this kind of work to this day. That and well, some of the most meaningful and lasting friendships, professional opportunities, and mentors I could ever imagine. So thank you, IHME and the individuals who picked me to join this the fledging program back in 2008. Thank you for taking the chance on a wide-eyed, ever-so-slightly enthusiastic, science-loving, non-coding psychology major who didn't know anything about global health way back when. It's been quite the ride ever since.

Today's best part...
Was the pure joy of a corgi luxuriating in Seattle's big snowfall from last night. Mickie the corgi, whom I'm dogsitting, and I walked ~3 miles this morning into the office, and well, the video is worth a thousand words.

And it's midterms...all over...again

And yes, thank you for asking! My midterm study corner is definitely as cool and hip as Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers.

Today I learned...

That patients, who presented at UVM and Dartmouth neurology departments in Vermont and New Hampshire respectively, who waterskiied at least twice a month per month for at least one year (yes, this was the exposure measure) had a heightened odds for ALS than those who did not fit this waterskiing category. Of course, some of my epidemiology classmates and I spent a non-insubstantial amount of time trying to pick apart this study today. Our biggest question remains unanswered: who are these - brave? bonkers? - Vermonters and New Hampshirites who are waterskiing/have ever waterskiied during every month of the year? Or are they, since every lake is frozen in the winter, pursuing national or international waterskiing competitions elsewhere, and thus compose a completely wacky study population. SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Today I'm grateful for...

Friends who make food, for themselves and me, in exchange for being able to watch the Super Bowl on my TV. While I code/work. During the entire game. I am very open to this kind of deal in the future, particularly when homemade meals are on the table. Ha.

Today's best part...

Honestly? Realizing I could write about three lines of code to properly format an email list for the office-wide Girl Scout cookie order I helped coordinate on behalf of a former employee. Because maybe that means I'm actually making headway toward reprogramming my mind into being more code and statistics friendly...all the puns intended.