This is what you do when it's 53 and sunny in January, the dog you’re dogsitting isn’t happy about being inside, and you have a whole book to read by Tuesday.
Catching rays and Edward Tufte aside, I'm both excited and nervous about this quarter.
I'm excited because I'm deliberately trying to implement lessons learned from last quarter to my studies and time management routine. For instance, I now have a master to-do list on Google tasks so I can better keep track of deadlines across classes, work, and life responsibilities/needs. I've also organized my schedule to guard time during the day and week to study and complete homework rather than heaping everything into the weekends. I'm excited to challenge myself in new ways: tackling a larger courseload; coding up expanded and new analyses for my research assistantship; and applying for summer internships outside of my immediate comfort zones (i.e., health research institutes and academia). I'm excited to more vehemently push back the self-doubts that occasionally crept into my psyche last quarter, and to further strengthen my skills in the areas where I continue to feel the least confident (coughbiostatscough).
As much as there's a lot to be excited about, I remain unsettled by various elements. I'm nervous that I'm not solidifying or honing in what exactly I want to work on for the next year or so, let alone dissertation and longer-term research endeavors. Every time we're asked to introduce ourselves in class and provide a sentence or two about our main interests, I panic - impact evaluations, I like those, but also malaria, and then vaccines, and what about health systems, and of course universal health coverage, and ohmygoshwhatIdoIwanttodooooo - and then bluster through something that squarely qualifies as gobbledygook. I'm nervous the very thing I need to do be successful in graduate school - spend thousands of hours studying and learning and coding and thinking on my own - is going to leave me deeply unhappy, and well, very alone. Ten-plus years in the workforce has fundamentally changed the way I like to learn and work since my last bout of being a full-time student, yet group studying and projects in school can be so fraught with frustration unless you magically amass the right combination of people at the right time, place, etc. I'm nervous about how grad school will continue to affect my friendships and relationships, immediately and longer term. In some ways, the full-time-work to grad school transition has enabled a greater flexibility to spend time with my people in ways I'm so appreciative of; for example, the week spent with my nephew and family in Maine uninterrupted by school or work after finals was one of the best weeks I've had in a long, long time. In other ways, I've really struggled to properly carve out time for good friends in a regular manner, let alone create the literal and emotional space for new people, friends or otherwise. Such a strange internal conflict has recently emerged, particularly around how to prioritize myself, my studies, and all of the other many, many important things beyond my little sphere of existence. Here I am, finally having amassed the confidence and willingness to ditch a well-paying, hey-I'm-pretty-good-at-this set of jobs for the chance to pursue a career trajectory I've always wanted but never thought I was smart or good enough to qualify for. It's the time to focus on what I need and to try to do this whole thing to the best of my ability - and it should feel great and empowering and thrilling, right? Instead, I constantly find myself questioning whether I'm doing enough - for school and what I need to learn; for others, from those who have been my people for years to a new man and figuring out if or how he might fit into my life; and for myself, the personal to professional to the yadda yadda yadda lobster bisque. Learning how to articulate what I need or want, and then advocate for it, has not been easy; for anyone who has met me and thinks otherwise, remember that appearances can be quite deceiving. 2019 has already tested some of these gains: would I 'confront' an uncomfortable situation and ask someone to pay for the glasses her dog ate under my watch? [Yes, and I decided I felt best about splitting the cost; hurrah!] Could I find the words to best represent my otherwise still-in-progress, unsatisfactorily nebulous thoughts? [The jury very much remains out on this one] And here's the fun part: it's only the beginning of the year. I say hit me with your best shot, or any other trite-yet-inspirational 1980s song title.
Today I learned...
How much satisfaction I could get out of inputting most of the quarter's tasks and deadlines into a master to-do list in Google tasks. And then being able to check off all of my school-related items until Wednesday - oh yes, that was very, very satisfying. Now, about that dry-cleaning I was supposed to pick up last week...three months ago...
Today I'm grateful for...
Melanie Hobart - for her friendship, for dogpark adventures with Spike, and for everything in between.
Today's best part...
Was spending time outside, whether it was romping in the dogpark with human and canine friends alike or reading for school. It was one of those days you truly feel grateful to "live in the sunshine...[and] drink the wild air," per Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Catching rays and Edward Tufte aside, I'm both excited and nervous about this quarter.
I'm excited because I'm deliberately trying to implement lessons learned from last quarter to my studies and time management routine. For instance, I now have a master to-do list on Google tasks so I can better keep track of deadlines across classes, work, and life responsibilities/needs. I've also organized my schedule to guard time during the day and week to study and complete homework rather than heaping everything into the weekends. I'm excited to challenge myself in new ways: tackling a larger courseload; coding up expanded and new analyses for my research assistantship; and applying for summer internships outside of my immediate comfort zones (i.e., health research institutes and academia). I'm excited to more vehemently push back the self-doubts that occasionally crept into my psyche last quarter, and to further strengthen my skills in the areas where I continue to feel the least confident (coughbiostatscough).
As much as there's a lot to be excited about, I remain unsettled by various elements. I'm nervous that I'm not solidifying or honing in what exactly I want to work on for the next year or so, let alone dissertation and longer-term research endeavors. Every time we're asked to introduce ourselves in class and provide a sentence or two about our main interests, I panic - impact evaluations, I like those, but also malaria, and then vaccines, and what about health systems, and of course universal health coverage, and ohmygoshwhatIdoIwanttodooooo - and then bluster through something that squarely qualifies as gobbledygook. I'm nervous the very thing I need to do be successful in graduate school - spend thousands of hours studying and learning and coding and thinking on my own - is going to leave me deeply unhappy, and well, very alone. Ten-plus years in the workforce has fundamentally changed the way I like to learn and work since my last bout of being a full-time student, yet group studying and projects in school can be so fraught with frustration unless you magically amass the right combination of people at the right time, place, etc. I'm nervous about how grad school will continue to affect my friendships and relationships, immediately and longer term. In some ways, the full-time-work to grad school transition has enabled a greater flexibility to spend time with my people in ways I'm so appreciative of; for example, the week spent with my nephew and family in Maine uninterrupted by school or work after finals was one of the best weeks I've had in a long, long time. In other ways, I've really struggled to properly carve out time for good friends in a regular manner, let alone create the literal and emotional space for new people, friends or otherwise. Such a strange internal conflict has recently emerged, particularly around how to prioritize myself, my studies, and all of the other many, many important things beyond my little sphere of existence. Here I am, finally having amassed the confidence and willingness to ditch a well-paying, hey-I'm-pretty-good-at-this set of jobs for the chance to pursue a career trajectory I've always wanted but never thought I was smart or good enough to qualify for. It's the time to focus on what I need and to try to do this whole thing to the best of my ability - and it should feel great and empowering and thrilling, right? Instead, I constantly find myself questioning whether I'm doing enough - for school and what I need to learn; for others, from those who have been my people for years to a new man and figuring out if or how he might fit into my life; and for myself, the personal to professional to the yadda yadda yadda lobster bisque. Learning how to articulate what I need or want, and then advocate for it, has not been easy; for anyone who has met me and thinks otherwise, remember that appearances can be quite deceiving. 2019 has already tested some of these gains: would I 'confront' an uncomfortable situation and ask someone to pay for the glasses her dog ate under my watch? [Yes, and I decided I felt best about splitting the cost; hurrah!] Could I find the words to best represent my otherwise still-in-progress, unsatisfactorily nebulous thoughts? [The jury very much remains out on this one] And here's the fun part: it's only the beginning of the year. I say hit me with your best shot, or any other trite-yet-inspirational 1980s song title.
Today I learned...
How much satisfaction I could get out of inputting most of the quarter's tasks and deadlines into a master to-do list in Google tasks. And then being able to check off all of my school-related items until Wednesday - oh yes, that was very, very satisfying. Now, about that dry-cleaning I was supposed to pick up last week...three months ago...
Today I'm grateful for...
Melanie Hobart - for her friendship, for dogpark adventures with Spike, and for everything in between.
Today's best part...
Was spending time outside, whether it was romping in the dogpark with human and canine friends alike or reading for school. It was one of those days you truly feel grateful to "live in the sunshine...[and] drink the wild air," per Ralph Waldo Emerson.
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