After approximately 2.5 weeks into my PhD program, I think it's worth saying it out loud – I'm struggling.
This kind of "struggle" isn't something I've experienced in awhile, or at least in terms of what I can remember well. Since starting class, I've struggled to establish a meaningful, effective schedule for myself and what I need to get done (i.e., attend classes, learn new content, contribute efficiently at my research assistant [RA]ship), want to do (i.e., work out regularly, see friends, get enough sleep), and when these things get done (i.e., before or after class, during the weekdays or weekends).
Just writing this out makes it all seem so trivial, especially since many many people are overcoming much more challenging and high-stakes hurdles every minute of every day. Yet here I am, feeling oddly overwhelmed by not having a settled schedule. I'm physically exhausted by it (e.g., I've gone to bed well before 9 pm the last few nights in an effort to combat this strain of tiredness) and psychologically, well, I feel like such a loser. I was pulling off insanely busy, complicated work demands and deliverables only a few months ago – why is juggling two classes and an RAship throwing me for such a loop? This should be child's play, a cake walk, all of the metaphors for easy-peasy, yadda yadda yadda. Speaking of loops, my mind keeps whirring through the very productive cycle of "Why can't I...why haven't I..." as I try to logically break down what I need to do to get myself back on track.
Well, here's the thing (as it turns out): most of this isn't logical, and to keep hammering at it as if these reactions and feelings are supposed to be logical is unlikely to suddenly propel them into a realm of rationality. Instead, by a taking few beats and allowing those thoughts to happen and then move along their merry ways rather than dwell on them, I can be less of a Negative Nancy and more of a no-nonsense, lets-get-'er-done Nancy.
Naturally, none of this is new for me, nor is it rocket (brain) science for anyone. My default settings are not being stellar with transitions, and holding myself to very, if not impossibly, high standards. I can't rewire my innards, but I can revise the lens through I view and react to them. Amid all of the hooplah of starting school and everything, I forgot how much of a transition this actually is – and thus I forgot to give myself more grace about it all. Oops.
:: A big thanks goes to Dr. Ellie Somers, who potentially unbeknownst to her (though likely less so now), helped me come to this realization with her lovely follow-up text about our physical therapy work and how my hip nerve issue was coming along. It was a good reminder not to have shame in such ups and downs, and that allowing oneself to heal is a massive gift (not to mention investment in one's health) ::
Here's to taking a beat, allowing oneself a moment or two to cry (and/or beat a Dammit doll over the counter - this I highly recommend), and moving toward slighty better things...like coding in R!
Today I learned...
How to make pdfs come out of R! And I think they're even vectorized...?
Also, having useDingbats as a command in the pdf function makes me giggle a little. I'm fairly sure I've used the term "dingbat" with some frequency in the recent past.
Today I'm grateful for...
Google searches, and more specifically, what Google is able return when I input seemingly incomprehensible help requests about R commands ("help R device null pdf").
Of course, such Google searches wouldn't produce anything without the prolific resources provided by R users throughout the world; my gratitude for you all is second to none.
This kind of "struggle" isn't something I've experienced in awhile, or at least in terms of what I can remember well. Since starting class, I've struggled to establish a meaningful, effective schedule for myself and what I need to get done (i.e., attend classes, learn new content, contribute efficiently at my research assistant [RA]ship), want to do (i.e., work out regularly, see friends, get enough sleep), and when these things get done (i.e., before or after class, during the weekdays or weekends).
Just writing this out makes it all seem so trivial, especially since many many people are overcoming much more challenging and high-stakes hurdles every minute of every day. Yet here I am, feeling oddly overwhelmed by not having a settled schedule. I'm physically exhausted by it (e.g., I've gone to bed well before 9 pm the last few nights in an effort to combat this strain of tiredness) and psychologically, well, I feel like such a loser. I was pulling off insanely busy, complicated work demands and deliverables only a few months ago – why is juggling two classes and an RAship throwing me for such a loop? This should be child's play, a cake walk, all of the metaphors for easy-peasy, yadda yadda yadda. Speaking of loops, my mind keeps whirring through the very productive cycle of "Why can't I...why haven't I..." as I try to logically break down what I need to do to get myself back on track.
Well, here's the thing (as it turns out): most of this isn't logical, and to keep hammering at it as if these reactions and feelings are supposed to be logical is unlikely to suddenly propel them into a realm of rationality. Instead, by a taking few beats and allowing those thoughts to happen and then move along their merry ways rather than dwell on them, I can be less of a Negative Nancy and more of a no-nonsense, lets-get-'er-done Nancy.
Naturally, none of this is new for me, nor is it rocket (brain) science for anyone. My default settings are not being stellar with transitions, and holding myself to very, if not impossibly, high standards. I can't rewire my innards, but I can revise the lens through I view and react to them. Amid all of the hooplah of starting school and everything, I forgot how much of a transition this actually is – and thus I forgot to give myself more grace about it all. Oops.
:: A big thanks goes to Dr. Ellie Somers, who potentially unbeknownst to her (though likely less so now), helped me come to this realization with her lovely follow-up text about our physical therapy work and how my hip nerve issue was coming along. It was a good reminder not to have shame in such ups and downs, and that allowing oneself to heal is a massive gift (not to mention investment in one's health) ::
Here's to taking a beat, allowing oneself a moment or two to cry (and/or beat a Dammit doll over the counter - this I highly recommend), and moving toward slighty better things...like coding in R!
Today I learned...
How to make pdfs come out of R! And I think they're even vectorized...?
Also, having useDingbats as a command in the pdf function makes me giggle a little. I'm fairly sure I've used the term "dingbat" with some frequency in the recent past.
Today I'm grateful for...
Google searches, and more specifically, what Google is able return when I input seemingly incomprehensible help requests about R commands ("help R device null pdf").
Of course, such Google searches wouldn't produce anything without the prolific resources provided by R users throughout the world; my gratitude for you all is second to none.
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