Over the last few days I've thought a lot about about practice of second-guessing – the act of criticizing or questioning actions, decisions, and outcomes – and how the role that second-guessing is playing out in my life right now.
Here's the thing: second-guessing is quite beneficial to scientific inquiry and review. Questioning results and why they look the way they do; examining if x outcome really happened because of y and not z data artefact; and deliberating alternative interpretations or outcomes, given a set of known and unknown factors – these are not only attributes of a good researcher, but also behaviors actively encouraged to become a better one. It's a type of critical thinking that, when channeled well, contributes to strong science.
Yet, as I've found at various points in my life and certainly at present, the ability to optimally deploy this mentality without it seeping into less helpful areas of life can take concerted energy and psychological viligance. When those mental resources are spent and/or particularly stressed, what is generally a strength can quickly become disadvantageous. For me, my ability to "second-guess" scientific results and identify potential anomalies, patterns, and the like has been an asset over the course of my career. Even when I was working in more research-adjacent roles, this ability was quite useful for finding 'red flags' ranging from typos to major discrepancies between key results, figures, and messaging. This kind of critical mindset is a strength until it isn't. Perhaps like many good things, maximizing a strength or skillset is not necessarily about always exercising it, or firing on all cylinders for every situation. Instead, it's likely to be more about recognizing when and how such strengths should be used – and then cultivating other abilities to better complement existing strengths.
For me, particularly in the places where professional and personal dimensions intersect, one of my largest challenges has been knowing – and then trusting – in myself to understand what is the best or right thing for me to do. I have a people-pleasing streak 10,000 miles wide, and a desire to successfully deliver for whatever my team (work) or people (non-work) ask of me, which then translates into (and/or reflects) a deep-seeded fear of letting people down. Call it a gender thing (yes, I was a born of the female sex and I identify as a woman), a personality trait, a reflection of my upbringing, or some constellation of these forces. It's who I am, with all its positive attributes and less-than-ideal characteristics. The detours along the path to finally deciding to do a PhD were certainly shaped by this: the internal conflicts of prioritizing myself and my educational pursuits versus contributions for my teams and organizational affiliations; and the struggles of genuinely recognizing what I needed to do for myself and future, even if that risked (actually or in perception) letting people I deeply cared about down in the process. And while I've made substantial gains over the years, I certainly haven't mastered keeping the second-guessing at bay – or perhaps better said, channeling such second-guessing toward its best uses in my life.
Good thing that, just like research, we're all works in progress.
Today I learned...
Before people figured out scurvy was caused by vitamin C deficiency, they associated the disease's occurrence with leaving land and its remission with returning from sea. The presence of land was then viewed as the main driver of scurvy...which led crew members to bury themselves in dirt up their faces upon arriving on shore in an effort to maximize their "land" treatment.
Today I'm grateful for...
Melody Miles and her beautiful, thoughtful writing (as featured in her blog) on life's transitions, ups and downs, and so on. Something she shared yesterday really resonated with me and a lot of what I've been feeling lately:
Today's best part...
Was receiving a (somewhat) random text from a friend/former colleague about how much she loved this blog. It meant a lot, especially since I'm not exactly sure how all of this could or should be received; my aims continue to evolve, both for myself and for others, should they choose to take anything away from this little side project. Today, well, I think it would be pretty great if someone, anyone comes across this, recognizes themself in one way or another (yes, I'm using themself, as I'm trying to do a better job with gender pronouns), and finds a bit more strength or confidence to pursue what they're discovering is right or best for them. Yes - that'd be pretty darn great.
Here's the thing: second-guessing is quite beneficial to scientific inquiry and review. Questioning results and why they look the way they do; examining if x outcome really happened because of y and not z data artefact; and deliberating alternative interpretations or outcomes, given a set of known and unknown factors – these are not only attributes of a good researcher, but also behaviors actively encouraged to become a better one. It's a type of critical thinking that, when channeled well, contributes to strong science.
Yet, as I've found at various points in my life and certainly at present, the ability to optimally deploy this mentality without it seeping into less helpful areas of life can take concerted energy and psychological viligance. When those mental resources are spent and/or particularly stressed, what is generally a strength can quickly become disadvantageous. For me, my ability to "second-guess" scientific results and identify potential anomalies, patterns, and the like has been an asset over the course of my career. Even when I was working in more research-adjacent roles, this ability was quite useful for finding 'red flags' ranging from typos to major discrepancies between key results, figures, and messaging. This kind of critical mindset is a strength until it isn't. Perhaps like many good things, maximizing a strength or skillset is not necessarily about always exercising it, or firing on all cylinders for every situation. Instead, it's likely to be more about recognizing when and how such strengths should be used – and then cultivating other abilities to better complement existing strengths.
For me, particularly in the places where professional and personal dimensions intersect, one of my largest challenges has been knowing – and then trusting – in myself to understand what is the best or right thing for me to do. I have a people-pleasing streak 10,000 miles wide, and a desire to successfully deliver for whatever my team (work) or people (non-work) ask of me, which then translates into (and/or reflects) a deep-seeded fear of letting people down. Call it a gender thing (yes, I was a born of the female sex and I identify as a woman), a personality trait, a reflection of my upbringing, or some constellation of these forces. It's who I am, with all its positive attributes and less-than-ideal characteristics. The detours along the path to finally deciding to do a PhD were certainly shaped by this: the internal conflicts of prioritizing myself and my educational pursuits versus contributions for my teams and organizational affiliations; and the struggles of genuinely recognizing what I needed to do for myself and future, even if that risked (actually or in perception) letting people I deeply cared about down in the process. And while I've made substantial gains over the years, I certainly haven't mastered keeping the second-guessing at bay – or perhaps better said, channeling such second-guessing toward its best uses in my life.
Good thing that, just like research, we're all works in progress.
Today I learned...
Before people figured out scurvy was caused by vitamin C deficiency, they associated the disease's occurrence with leaving land and its remission with returning from sea. The presence of land was then viewed as the main driver of scurvy...which led crew members to bury themselves in dirt up their faces upon arriving on shore in an effort to maximize their "land" treatment.
Today I'm grateful for...
Melody Miles and her beautiful, thoughtful writing (as featured in her blog) on life's transitions, ups and downs, and so on. Something she shared yesterday really resonated with me and a lot of what I've been feeling lately:
The truth is not all my work is completed and my heart cringes at knowing I’m leaving things undone....My heart wants a few more days – or maybe a few more months - of the same. Even though I’ve prepared for this ending, the feeling of familiarity always seem to be more enticing that the feeling of the unknown.*I know in my heart of hearts leaving is the right thing for me to do. But that doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t ache inside. It doesn’t make the crazy feelings go away or the heavy cloud of change any easier. This work of saying goodbye, staying open, and inviting a new life to happen to me is probably the hardest work of my life.
Today's best part...
Was receiving a (somewhat) random text from a friend/former colleague about how much she loved this blog. It meant a lot, especially since I'm not exactly sure how all of this could or should be received; my aims continue to evolve, both for myself and for others, should they choose to take anything away from this little side project. Today, well, I think it would be pretty great if someone, anyone comes across this, recognizes themself in one way or another (yes, I'm using themself, as I'm trying to do a better job with gender pronouns), and finds a bit more strength or confidence to pursue what they're discovering is right or best for them. Yes - that'd be pretty darn great.
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