Who me? No, still not yet a PhD.

Well, well, well. 

If it isn't that little blog I started a (long) while back...and didn't quite maintain over the last several years. A commentary also applicable to my relative (lack of) progress toward PhD completion during this time...though I can report that today, I successfully wrote a few pages and produced a few tables of descriptive statistics for my dissertation (proposal). The little victories. (very little)

So, where was I...July 2019? I suppose a few things have happened since then. A very incomplete list of highlights include but are not limited to:

• 2019: had an amazing summer working at WHO and exploring Switzerland; began dating an equally amazing man person; began learning how to boulder (as in climbing up walls); started Year 2 of PhD.
• 2020: COVID-19 pandemic upended life in countless ways; while courses careened online, began work supporting COVID-19 modeling communications for IHME and tracking US policies with UW's Department of Political Science; mostly holed up in Shoreline with E while occasionally seeing friends at a distance; completed a summer fellowship with Exemplars in Global Health (EGH) and continued working part-time there in the fall; passed my preliminary exams; TA-ed a graduate-level course during Autumn 2020 quarter; went on a 2-week van-camping trip with E in Utah for Christmas; started Year 3 of PhD.
• 2021: TA-ed another graduate-level course during Winter 2021; K and then M moved to Colorado; continued work with EGH and US policy tracking (though discontinued the latter in August 2021), while starting a new RA-ship at IHME in Spring 2021; moved in with E in an amazing little house in north Greenwood; got vaccinated against COVID-19 (!!!!); went kayak camping with the ladies in the San Juans; went to two weddings in the during-COVID-era; started Year 4 of PhD.
• 2022: Developed and taught at a Winter Term course at Middlebury College; visited K and M in Colorado (also visited Colorado for the first time); became an auntie to a second nephew; continued work with EGH and IHME through June; had to stop running due to foot and toe joint issues; supported a BMGF strategy refresh via EGH; went on several mountain biking adventures with E, including a week working remotely (and biking) in Winthrop; visited my brother and family for the first time in nearly 3 years; went kayak camping with the ladies in the San Juans; began a year-long TA role for undergraduate public health research methods; E's dad got diagnosed with ALS; got COVID-19 at ASTMH; went on a mini-van trip from Seattle to Boulder en-route to Virginia; started Year 5 of PhD.
• 2023: visited Virginia multiple times to spend time with the L family; established my dissertation committee; finalized a multi-year project toward a master facility list in Senegal; completed TA role with a deepened love of teaching at the undergraduate-level; wrote a complete draft of dissertation proposal; began an exciting but intensive new project with BMGF on zero-dose learning via EGH; revamped my dissertation proposal; E's dad passed away at the end of August; started Year 6 (oy) of PhD.
  

So, so many more things happened in the last four or so years – I really wish I had done a better job capturing them along the way. From little to big, from the truly spectacular to absolutely devastating. From new lives joining the rest of us (so many babies!) to cherished ones leaving this earth. From the thrilling days of awkward courtship to cultivating a deep, lasting partnership with a person who lights my life in ways I only imagined. 

Losing E's dad from our collective futures has ripped so many holes in my heart, head, and soul. I think I'm still recovering from the full toll of this year as we collectively navigated ALS with R and the L family (though many others beyond me took on much more physical and emotional labor of caregiving). I try to remind myself of this, and to give myself what feels like unwarranted grace when I struggle to focus on my dissertation for days, sometimes weeks at a time. The little victories –  right?

Today I learned...
How to do some fancy concatenating formulas in Excel. Woooo!

Today I'm grateful for...

Paint-by-numbers. Who knew that the acrylic painting of pre-ordained shapes and numeric color-coding would give my weary brain such respite, allowing it to relax and come up with new ideas, solutions, and so on as my nervous hand energy is so spectacularly expelled across canvas...

Today's best part was...

This might get supplanted by tonight's highly anticipated game time with E's friends, but thus far, scoring a sweet deal on Andes Peppermint Crunch Baking Chips and having them arrive today takes the cake...or well, hopefully cookies in an hour or so.

WHO me? Yes, me - at WHO!

While it's been over 1.5 months since the spring quarter ended, it still seems worth saying...

...Year 1 of PhD, CHECK.

I'd like to say more about this milestone and reflect back on the year, but that deserves its own proper post. Instead, a small update pour moi:

I'm working at WHO (the World Health Organization) this summer! 

WHO me? YES ME!

I've been working for WHO since mid-June and based at headquarters (WHO HQ, as they say) in Geneva since June 25 (or, to practice proper European style guidelines, 25 June). It's already been an eye-opening experience, and I can only imagine how much more I'll learn during my remaining time at HQ. I'm so grateful for the opportunity, as well as the people who helped to make it happen. 

Which brings me to one of the big takeaways of this past year and my time at WHO thus far: never under-appreciate – or underestimate – the power of the people you work with, of both past and present; the people you meet, including those by total happenstance or in passing; and the people you actively choose to have in your life's ebbs and flows. Whoever I am today and however I’ve come to this place represents the net sum of hundreds, if not thousands, of people and their effects, from tiny to huge, on my life. Of course, I’ve also had a role in all of this – I’m not a passive bystander. But to imply that I alone have achieved xyz, that I blazed these paths as a solo traveler – well, that’s just not how it works. At all.

Today I learned...

At some point between 9:00-9:05 am window shades automatically come down in my new office (I was moved to a different office at WHO HQ yesterday). This is a delightful discovery, especially as part 2 of the 2019 European heat wave strikes... 

Today I'm grateful for...

My miniature USB-powered fan I'm now bringing everywhere with me and my Wickelfisch named Bob (Bobber or Bobby once you're on more friendly terms), whom I acquired in Basel and stellarly supports floating down the Rhone as a means to cool off and/or survive said European heat wave(s)...

Today's best part was...

Receiving a postcard from my good friend and PhD cohortmate Erin Hulland! Well, ok, technically that happened yesterday, but I'm ok with its extrapolation to today. Few things are better than getting surprise mail, which has also inspired me to try to better about sending postcards during my time in Geneva and places near by. 

When it rains it pours (and opens doors)

I woke up this morning with Train's "When I Look to the Sky" in my head, a song I haven't heard or even thought about in years, as in years. Given this diddy came out in 2003, it literally could be 10-15 años.

Trying to understand why this earworm suddenly lodged itself in my mind this morning seems pretty fruitless - especially since I've been up since 5 am to work out (finally got back to 3x15 pushup sets without wanting to cry) and start writing up paper feedback for a colleague. But maybe that's something I'm also learning: when or how to better pick my battles - and when or how to let things go.

Maybe it's age, maybe it's the PhD program - maybe it's a combination of the two, finally forcing me to take a step back, maybe even two, and carve out time to reflect.

On where I've been, where I am today, and where various paths could take me in the future.

On friendships and relationships lost and gained, and what I can do today to remedy lingering regrets.

On how I want to contribute to the world, and what I'm willing to forgo in order to craft the future I want. I increasingly don't have the energy or interest in working myself to the bone - particularly at the expense of important friendships and/or relationships in my life - even if that means I might not "go as far" in my career.

On enjoying the little things, and making the best of whatever life throws my way.

     When it rains it pours and opens doors and floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry...
     And as I float along this ocean I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
     'Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me, and you make everything alright
     And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me, and I can always find my way when you're here...

     Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead, instead it just feels impossible to fly
     But with you I can spread my wings, to see me over everything that life may send me when I am hoping it won't pass me by... 

Today I learned...
More about the upcoming Bioko Island malaria vaccine field trial - a very exciting development for malaria control and elimination programs! I didn't realize PfSPZ could provide up 100% efficacy (I truly thought someone had said otherwise), so I definitely need to read up more on this intervention...

Today I'm grateful for...
The lessons that come with time, and how life has a funny way of helping you out, helping you out (yes, I'm also bringing Alanis into this 90s-early 00s lyric fest).

Today's best part was...
(Dr!) Sarah Hanson successfully defended her dissertation today! It was phenomenal to see what she's done and to reflect on how she truly was the trailblazer for all of us global health metrics doctoral students at UW. What. a. rockstar.

Of doctoral delight and doom

Because sometimes, the completely unnecessary purchase - particularly for someone on a grad student budget - seems priceless when you know it will it put a smile on your face whenever you see it...which would typically be at least 2-3 times a day...and if you assume an y increase in happiness per x rise in smiles...ok, I'll stop. For now.

I imagine this isn't a unique experience (at all [?]), but wow, PhD life is so odd. The last few weeks have been great, as in actually great: I'm making progress on analyses and manuscripts, my classes are interesting, and some exciting opportunities or side projects are percolating through the pipelines. I'm also sleeping more, working out with greater regularity, and eating healthier - all of which are undoubtedly contributing to feeling great. I mean, I still don't know what I'm doing this summer, let alone for my next research assistantship assignment - and I'm truly, genuinely not stressed out by that uncertainty (or at least not yet, knockonallthewood). 

One, definitely two months ago and I wouldn't have recognized the person I feel like right now, as I was at best floundering. I want to hold to this for as long as possible, this sense of calm and heightened confidence, or at least try maximize it. But I know it's likely fleeting, as this ride is called Of Doctoral Delight and Doom, and the ups can't be ups without the downs.

Today I learned...

How to properly (correction: potentially properly) implement the survey R package and thus finish my homework the day before it was due. One of my goals this quarter is to work on (and complete) homework assignments well before their due date so then I have more time to go to office hours, lab, etc. and actually ask meaningful questions instead of winging it at the last minute.

Today I'm grateful for...

Coworkers who are willing to go to bat for me and/or help me with particular projects, class or work or otherwise. I feel so lucky that I get to be surrounded by such generous - and brilliant - people.

Today's best part...

Is knowing that I have really tasty leftovers for dinner when I get home (i.e., cashew chicken from Molly Gilbert's One Pan & Done). This whole dinner-in nights (DINs) has been a smashing success thus far, and - gasp - I'm enjoying making dinner for myself slash Kelly.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner

Confession: I don't really like to cook that much.

Correction: I'm not really motivated to cook for myself.

Condition: I'm single and live alone.

Conclusion: I don't really cook that much, for myself or anyone.

In the past, I've been pretty happy to "scavenge" whatever is in my fridge and/or cupboards, and call a grilled cheese sandwich and a pile of carrots dinner. That or grab some kind of food to-go from a local eatery (or, well, get dinner through the late-night working crew at work). But now that I've been on a graduate student stipend for a few months, I've realized I need a better incentive system to improve my cooking habits. Something with flexibility so I don't feel immediately overwhelmed, yet something with accountability so I also feel adequately compelled to change my behavior. 

Drum (dinner?) roll please.

Tonight, implementation of the "Dinner-in Nights" intervention - DINs - began with my great friend (and apartment building co-resident) Kelly. This pilot program involves each of us committing to cook at least once a week, and then alternating cooking for the other person every other week. This two-pronged approach aims to cultivate a non-intimidating cooking routine while promoting mutual accountability among two people with low access barriers (i.e., we live in the same building, we work for the same company) and high motivation for behavior change. We will report weekly progress as part of the overarching monitoring plan, and course-correct as needed. Limitations of this pilot program may include unforeseen scheduling constraints, self-recall biases (e.g., "Oh wait, it was my turn to cook this week? Ermmm...), and potential for suboptimal adherence. 

Can this count as our study protocol pre-registration?

Anyway.

To kick-off DINs properly, I made Molly Gilbert's tried-and-true (and truly delectable) chicken and broccoli with spicy peanut sauce with a side of quinoa. And before you think I'm a fancy quinoa-toting chef (or something), I'm fairly sure I purchased it circa 2013-2014 amid a fleeting cooking spree - it's hung out on a pantry shelf since. Like her cookbook promised, this dish was quick and easy and ever so tasty. Now Kelly and I both have leftovers in our fridges, and happy digestion in our bellies.

For more of Molly's great recipes (and 'riting), check out her blog at https://dunkandcrumble.com/

Today I learned...

When I was rerunning some analyses, I noticed that a number of patient-level data points were somehow negative versions of otherwise reasonable blood pressure readings (i.e., not 0 or -999, a frequent code for missing values). I'm going to investigate a bit more tomorrow, but it's likely that the negative values were interviewer errors and thus we should adjust them (i.e., multiply by -1) and now include these patients rather than dropping them. Takeway: know thy data.

Today I'm grateful for...

Easy access to a local Trader Joe's so I could pick up ingredients for our first DINs without breaking the bank and on the way home from work.

Today's best part was...

Brainstorming lesson topics and plans for a global health and data science training we'll be offering through the Washington Global Health Alliance (WGHA)'s STEM Global Teacher Workshop at the end of April. I'm excited for the opportunity to be more involved in curriculum development and teaching around global health measurement - more to come soon!

When I grow up, I want to...have a PhD?

What's your dissertation topic? Ummm...

What do you want to do after your PhD? Uhhh...

What do you want to get out of your PhD program - besides a doctorate? Oh, I can answer that one - I think...


It's been almost exactly 6 months since I started my doctoral studies at UW, and while I'm a few (coughmanycough) steps away from landing on a dissertation topic - let alone knowing exactly what I want to do with my PhD - I recently tackled something I had planned to do awhile ago. I wrote out my PhD hopes and goals within key categories; I mapped out the courses I wanted to take and when they were offered (and then color-coded them by degree program requirement - obviously); and put them all in a Google drive so I could regularly review and update them.

Several people, ranging from formal and informal mentors alike to current and former PhD students/friends/colleagues, had recommended completing this kind of exercise in one way or another. One professor told me to articulate 1-, 5-, 10-, and 25-year goals and then identify what experiences and skills I needed to meet them during my PhD. One of my best friends/former officemate and colleague/current PhD candidate recommended writing out what I hoped to learn and be exposed to over the course of my doctoral studies. And the list went on - clearly this was something I should do.

I drafted up an initial version the weekend after a 40 minute cryfest with my faculty advisor. The aim was to review the courses I had taken already, identify the types of methods and skills I wanted to learn, and then work out what kinds of next steps I should take in terms of projects, research assistantships, summer jobs, and so on. Not surprisingly - ha - I took it to the next level, and sought to find more tangible reasons why I was even doing this whole PhD thingamabob in the first place. Clearly, this was a long time coming.

For anyone currently in and/or starting a PhD program - I highly recommend this process. It's helped me garner greater focus, a better understanding of how I want to mold my doctoral studies, and - bonus - realize I'm already making progress toward real milestones I actually care about (versus benchmarks others were erecting and I inadvertantly got caught up in measuring my performance against them).

I imagine I'll continue to refine this working document, but in case anyone else wants a broader template from which to start their own "PhD goals and planning, 20xx-20xx" reference, here's my current structure (and a few examples):

• PhD goals and planning: 2018-202x
• When I graduate with my doctorate, I want to...
• Have expertise across impact evaluation methods and analyses
• Have exposure to different phases of evaluation projects
• Have spent time working at organizations and/or with country partners outside of my current research institute
• ...among others
• Topical areas I would like to spend more time on include...
• Vaccine coverage and vaccination determinants
• Malaria control and elimination
• Healthcare utilization (e.g., care-seeking behavior) and intervention effectiveness
• Intersection of quantitative global health and social psychology/sociological factors that affect effectiveness and outcomes
• ...among others
• The technical methods and analytical approaches I want to learn more about are...
• Impact evaluation and policy analysis techniques (e.g., stepped wedge)
• Data synthesis techniques for trend estimation (e.g., methods for combining administrative and survey data)
• Geospatial analysis
• Counterfactual models and simulations
• Qualitative data collection and/or analysis
• Network analysis
• ...among others
• Specific research and coding skills I would like to learn include...
• Becoming proficient in R
• Making maps
• Developing R Shiny tools (I did this!)
• ...among others
• Personal and academic experiences I want to have or benchmarks I want to achieve during my PhD are...
• TA-ing at least 1-2 courses
• Applying to teach (and then ideally treaching) a J-term course on global health measurement and analysis at my alma mater (current target is Winter 2021)
• Applying for at least 1 grant or fellowship
• Writing 1-2 first-author papers per year; supporting 1-2 team papers per year and/or providing regular scientific paper mentorship, coaching, etc. to team members
• ...among others

Spring quarter 2019 - here I come.


Today I learned...
...well, it's more like thought-about-more-deeply than formally-learned-something-completely-new, but I technically learned more about the challenges of conducting truly independent evaluations from a bravely written Viewpoint in The Lancet: Storeng & Palmer, "When ethics and politics collide in donor-funded global health research." I strongly recommend it.

Today I'm grateful for...
My research team's willingness to let me focus on studying for finals and recovering from an obstinate ear/sinus infection over the last week. Further, I'm now the bottleneck for a manuscript we're working on, yet everyone has kindly given me the space to focus on school and then getting closer to 100% health status. I'm incredibly thankful for this, and I look forward to wrangling results and a paper into submission this week (all the puns intended).

Today's best part was...
Honestly, being back in the office. I missed seeing my team and colleagues, and it felt good to back in "my" hotel space. PhD students reserve computer space at our offices through an online system, and I've essentially taken over "Hotel 2" at our northern offices. This is where I left the homemade paperweight the Murphy girls made me as a thank you for coordinating Girl Scout cookie orders at our institute for them (as if this was a huge inconvenience or something...ha). It kind of snuck up on me, but I'm starting to feel like I belong.

Another quarter, another...quarter?

And just like that, Winter Quarter 2019 is done. Two quarters down, one-third of my PhD coursework completed, over 54% of core classes finished...ok, enough with the statistics. At least for the next week - oh wait, that's a lie. I'll definitely be doing some statistics next week.

The quarter system is a weird, wild ride. Our professors shove a typical semester's 13-15 weeks of material into 10 weeks of class time and course work, taunting our minds and sleep schedules to stretch and shrink respectively. Throw in a snow day (or week, as Seattle did this year), and suddenly what was already a precarious timetable goes totally topsy-turvy. One professor recalibrates expectations, extending deadlines and shifting class foci; others charge ahead, recording lectures to supplement lost days and providing additional office hours to offset diminished face time. The quarter system can offer some great benefits - the ability to enroll in a greater variety and total number of courses, the opportunity to take a quarter off to do xyz without wreaking total havoc on timelines, among others. The quarter system also can be your foe - pushing, pushing, pushing until something gives, and that something is usually you.

About 5 or so weeks into this past quarter I gave. The days were flying by and while my colleagues and classmates were at least seemingly keeping apace, I felt sluggish and increasingly worried about falling behind. New concepts and equations and code swirled around my head without settling anywhere, an experience that shook me as I've relied on my brain and its swift uptake of information for decades. The isolating cycle of studying, coding, and doing homework alone left me desperately craving social interaction, but whenever I spent time with friends and people outside of work or school, I felt like I was watching my own social trainwreck from afar. Words were thick and clumsy, jokes wouldn't land, and I couldn't keep track of anyone's stories or updates anymore. Nothing felt good, everything felt out of reach.

Though no magical life 180 followed a a tear-laden meeting with my faculty advisor in mid-February, various bits and bobs gradually started to come together. I worked on a couple of group projects where I finally felt more useful and effective, slowly rebuilding some confidence in my head and brain capacities. I tackled some outstanding data processing needs for my research one weekend, and threw myself into a coding project the next - and even got an R Shiny app with Sankey diagrams to work! I spent more time with longstanding friends and new grad school ones alike, adding new layers and strength to the Seattle community I hold so dear. I began to haul myself out on some painfully slow runs, and started wobbling through some push-up and ab routines again. While the last month has been far from smooth sailing (e.g., I got pretty sick last weekend right before and then during finals, which ultimately led me to cancel a trip back East to see my nephew, brother, and sister-in-law so I could fully recover), I increasingly feel like I'm back at the rudder of my own ship. At least for now.

Today I learned...
Overtime in the NHL now stipulates 3-on-3 (plus goalies) sudden death play rather than the full squad. How exciting (and unexpected).

Today I'm grateful for...
Spending time with great people, of past and present Seattle. I got the chance to have dinner with Allie last night, I spent a couple of hours in Fremont with Chloe and Molly this afternoon, and I had dinner with Brooks in Capitol Hill tonight. I'm also grateful for the chance to rest and recuperate over the last few days; from sleeping 15 hours on Thursday to Friday morning and taking a full break from work and school, it's made a massive difference. My total A-game remains a bit illusive (i.e., my ear infection hasn't fully cleared and I'm still pretty drained), but I'm getting there.

Today's best part was...
Doing a meet-and-greet for two delightful, goofy weimaraners I'll be dogsitting April 6-7. Luke and Luna brought me so much joy.