Let it be, let it PhD

As I've sought to take a few beats and reflect on the last couple weeks, Let It Be by the Beattles floated into my statistics-scorched mind and has kindly stuck around. It's provided a gentle, melodious reminder of what I need to aim for as I face what I can only describe as deep unmooring of myself from head to heart. There will be answers, in one way or another; the nights will become less cloudy in time. I just need to find the ways to let it be, so to speak. Finding greater grace and acceptance, of what is and can be, and becoming more comfortable with the changing tides of this PhD ocean I find myself on.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be

There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

I spent about 40 minutes, ranging from simply crying to essentially sobbing, in my faculty advisor's office last week. "I'm so unhappy," I sputtered, almost immediately after I sat down. "I feel so useless and stupid and so lost...and so...undocked...unmoored?" I eventually got out, desperately trying to pin a label or two on the unsettling defeat and sadness I had increasingly felt over the quarter. "I don't belong here...I'm literally the dumbest person in my program...I shouldn't have done this...I'm so lonely...why didn't I go elsewhere when I had the chance?...I'm never going to be a statistician or health metrics guru or coding whiz...I hate feeling so dumb and unhelpful to my team and slow...and just everything." My faculty advisor passed me a tissue box and listened until I finished unpeeling the layers of self-doubt, despondency, and isolation that had brought me to this point.

Thankfully, my faculty advisor is no stranger to students' or employees' emotional roller coasters, and to mine in particular. Over the decade plus we've known each other, she has given me the tough love and feedback I needed (and often before I knew I needed it); supported me through exciting and painful professional decisions alike; and helped me navigate personal losses and heartbreak. For some people having this kind of mentor fusion across professional and personal dimensions may seem odd and/or would not be preferred. After all, faculty advisors can wield a lot of power of over your academic and career pathways, and the fact that mine has seen me through some of my personal lows, from the dissolution of an engagement several years ago to a more recent decision to stay in Seattle/go to UW and end a relationship with a man I nonetheless deeply loved, is sometimes a bit scary. Even after all of these years, part of me was terrified to admit the depths of my sadness, frustration, and rutterlessness at that meeting - as if I was letting her down as much as myself.

The remainder of our meeting was spent talking about the wide prevalence of such experiences in graduate school and especially PhD programs; how this particular program was never going to be a cakewalk for me ("If all you had wanted was a PhD, there were much easier routes"); and what tangible steps we collectively and I individually could take to hopefully improve aspects going forward. I left our meeting drained and still feeling unmoored, a sense that kept me raw and tears close at bay for hours, if not days later. Yet I also felt ever so slightly better, like heavy gears slowly inching toward motion, offering hints of a sunnier horizon and gently whispering, you’ll get there, just hang on a little longer. Let it be.


Today I learned...
I can be a steely tough scientist and emotionally splintered human being at the same time.

Today I'm grateful for...
The people who listen. The people who accept you, from the great to ugly, and want to see you succeed. The people I get to have in my life, since having such wonderful, genuine, emotionally-supportive people is never a given.

Today's best part...
Honestly, I'm still working that out. Perhaps an early bed time will do.

Elephants can get TB too

Winter 2019 midterms are finally over! Multiple snowdays last week and mounting non-school work made it feel like midterms would never end. Yet they did and I left them feeling more confident about what I learned this quarter than my first quarter. Whether that actually translates into good scores - well, that's another matter. However, I'm really trying to focus on the reasons I'm doing a PhD - to learn and to improve on the areas I struggle - and worry less about homework or exam grades.

This isn't easy, particularly when a lot of classmates get riled up about their GPAs, how much time they're studying for tests, and trying to ace class assignments. It's challenging to consistently quell the anxiety that you're not doing enough or gaining knowledge as quickly as fellow students; to genuinely derive satisfaction from your own (gradual) personal progress without comparing your performance against others and skittering into imposter syndrome feedback cycles. One step at a time, one step at a time...

Today I learned...
Two things! (well, two things that particularly tickled my fancy):
1) Elephants can get and transmit tuberculosis (TB), just like humans. Apparently it can be pretty rough on them too, with their large respiratory systems and all.
2) BMI - body mass index - also was/is called the Quetelet index. I was reading an early 1990s paper for a homework assignment and couldn't figure out why this Quetelet index kept being talked about (especially when the homework question was asking about obesity). Google revealed that, lo and behold, BMI and the Quetelet index are one in the same. I wonder why or how BMI became more widely known, both in general but also among researchers...oh the Google-ing rabbit holes to hop down!

Today I'm grateful for...
The IHME Post-Bachelor Fellowship. I'm currently helping with interviews (and dogsitting dogs of interviewers), and as I'm talking with candidates, I keep thinking about how much the program shaped my career and life trajectories. It was far from smooth-sailing and I certainly had my share of ups and many downs, but the IHME PBF program ultimately equipped me with the scientific foundation, skills, and passion for global health research that keeps me excited about pursuing this kind of work to this day. That and well, some of the most meaningful and lasting friendships, professional opportunities, and mentors I could ever imagine. So thank you, IHME and the individuals who picked me to join this the fledging program back in 2008. Thank you for taking the chance on a wide-eyed, ever-so-slightly enthusiastic, science-loving, non-coding psychology major who didn't know anything about global health way back when. It's been quite the ride ever since.

Today's best part...
Was the pure joy of a corgi luxuriating in Seattle's big snowfall from last night. Mickie the corgi, whom I'm dogsitting, and I walked ~3 miles this morning into the office, and well, the video is worth a thousand words.

And it's midterms...all over...again

And yes, thank you for asking! My midterm study corner is definitely as cool and hip as Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers.

Today I learned...

That patients, who presented at UVM and Dartmouth neurology departments in Vermont and New Hampshire respectively, who waterskiied at least twice a month per month for at least one year (yes, this was the exposure measure) had a heightened odds for ALS than those who did not fit this waterskiing category. Of course, some of my epidemiology classmates and I spent a non-insubstantial amount of time trying to pick apart this study today. Our biggest question remains unanswered: who are these - brave? bonkers? - Vermonters and New Hampshirites who are waterskiing/have ever waterskiied during every month of the year? Or are they, since every lake is frozen in the winter, pursuing national or international waterskiing competitions elsewhere, and thus compose a completely wacky study population. SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Today I'm grateful for...

Friends who make food, for themselves and me, in exchange for being able to watch the Super Bowl on my TV. While I code/work. During the entire game. I am very open to this kind of deal in the future, particularly when homemade meals are on the table. Ha.

Today's best part...

Honestly? Realizing I could write about three lines of code to properly format an email list for the office-wide Girl Scout cookie order I helped coordinate on behalf of a former employee. Because maybe that means I'm actually making headway toward reprogramming my mind into being more code and statistics friendly...all the puns intended.

Dog days of code

morning.fun.with.dogs.before.coding.all.day <- c("Copper", "Spike", "Gabby", "Kelly")

Unfortunately, that's probably the extent of R I'll code today. For better or for worse, Stata is just so much faster for the data cleaning/formatting I need to reexecute in order to prep my project's data for new analyses next week. You win some, you lose some.

Today I learned...
*Technically, I learned this on Thursday, not today, but it's too good not to share*
While humans see in three primary colors (i.e., our eyes have three types of cones, which then allow us to see red, green, and blue light), chickens have 12 cones in their eyes, and thus can see in 12 different primary colors! Can you imagine how chickens would describe colors if they could do more than squawk - or if human beings could chat with chickens in...Chicken-ese? about how they experience the world?!

I learned in Chris Adolph's CSSS569 course, Visualizing Data and Methods, which has been phenomenal thus far. I highly recommend it to anyone interested in the theory (cognitive psychology, hurrah!) and generation of effective visualizations of social science methods and data.

Today I'm grateful for...
A good night's sleep. I slept long and hard last night, which I desparately needed after a few weeks of various ups, downs, and stress involving the royal triad of school, work, and life matters. Physical and psychological lethargy had been dragging me down recently, so it was quite lovely to finally feel more spritely this morning.

Today's best part was...
Thus far, it's been solving some tricky automation code I needed to debug and troubleshoot today. I had spent various chunks of the last week trying to figure out how to code up a systematic way to select patients' baseline and endline biometric measures while accounting gaps in baseline measurement timing (i.e., at enrollment, sometimes patients didn't have A1c or blood pressure readings so we needed to use the next most recent measures), but hadn't been able to fully implement it across various datasets. 

R is for R

Yesterday, I got my first professional rejection in a long time.

Well, technially I wasn't formally rejected; it was a rejection by omission by waiting for a potential email of good news, never receiving it, and then learning at least one person did in fact receive said email of good news. Horrifyingly, I questioned whether something was wrong with the UW email server before realizing I just didn't make the cut; I'm still shaking my head at such a presumption.

I'm not exactly sure why this one stung so much. Maybe it's because I haven't applied for a 'reach' position for awhile. Maybe it's because I'm feeling a bit more vulnerable in grad school, as I spend most of my days trying to tackle concepts and skills I either don't know or I'm expressly not great at yet. Maybe it's because I never got the opportunity to really show who I am or what I can offer in person - me on paper wasn't enough. Maybe it simply feels crappy and that's just how it is.

After some tears were spilled and beers were swilled, I'm feeling moderately better - and extremely motivated to figure out next steps for this summer. I know this rejection is likely to be the beginning of many more, but that's because I'm determined to keep putting myself out there and reaching for the proverbial global health stars.

Today I learned...
A lot more about Kamala Harris's political positions and background. In other words, I woke up at 2 am last night, couldn't get back to sleep for awhile, and read a lot of Vox articles.

Today I'm grateful for...
The people who can be both supportive and candidly put everything in perspective. That's a tough balance to achieve, and I'm grateful I have a lot of those people in my life.

Today's best part...
Seeing how much Copper, the dog I'm dog-sitting for the next week-plus, is warming up to me. That and he intently listened to my "Stay" commands at mealtimes. It feels like we're settling into a happy little routine. 

On the strength of vulnerability

"The way you put it all out there - how you're open about your challenges and successes and everything in between. I admire that."

Of course, I was both extremely flattered and flustered by these kind words uttered by my PhD cohortmate last week. The former because, who wouldn't be touched by such generosity, and the latter because, well such generosity. Here's why: there's nothing particularly unique or special about the challenges and successes and everything in between concerning my experiences as a first-year doctoral student thus far. And in many ways, I have it easier than many of my cohortmates, or at least my day-to-day involves fewer immediate demands or dependents to balance alongside my studies; I have no idea how classmates effectively navigate school needs (i.e., class, studying/homework, RA- or TA-ships) and raising children, taking care of their parents, etc. Objectively, any sacrifices I've had to make to date also pale in comparison with others; my heart hurts whenever I think about how so many classmates are pursuing their scholastic and professional dreams while their spouses, children, and families are literally continents away.

From my perspective, there's so much strength to be found in vulnerability - not only for yourself, but also for the people around you. The ability to recognize one's flaws or weaknesses or challenges and actively try to improve on them however you can. The willingness to genuinely apologize for your mistakes, to admit when you're wrong. The understanding that, by acknowledging that you want or need support beyond your own capacities, you're paving a better path forward - and not being weak. In so many situations and places - particularly for women - showing any kind of vulnerability is automatically cast as a negative trait, an act that needs to be squashed. I know numerous talented people who - due to whatever circumstances or reasons - would rather bend over backwards, walk over hot coals, etc. than say "I'm sorry" with no buts, follow-up explanations, or other types of apology hedging. In a similar vein, I truly believe there's strength in being open about if various experiences have been challenging and how they've been overcome. Again, not only for yourself, but for others as well.

It took me years - nearly a decade - to finally, fully believe that I too could be smart enough, talented enough, capable enough to join the ranks of prospective PhDs. The people I knew pursuing doctorates seemed to effortlessly learn and excel; to apply and be accepted for awe-inspiring internships, fellowships, jobs, etc.; to know what and how and where they wanted to go and be. I existed in, or at least I thought I occupied, a different orbit of intellect and indecisiveness. Yet in more recent years, they - and others, so many brave others - have talked or written about their challenges and insecurities in the same breath or page as their successes and achievements. It turns out that we're all more similar than different - and this kind of understanding needs to be shared more often and with more people. As I talk with many early career professionals (again, particularly women), too many mental barriers remain between where they are and the places they'd like to be. So, if I can do anything, literally anything at all, to help one person find their strength amid their vulnerabilities...well, I can't imagine many things better than that.

Today I learned...
I still remember some tricks of the trade for R, which means I retained some modicum of coding knowledge gained in CSSS501 and the half of CSSS503 I took last year. Thank you Jeff Arnold!

Today I'm grateful for...
Annie Haakenstad, a woman who constantly inspires me and then makes me cackle with glee. It makes me so happy that we can have serious discussions about research, grad school, and career aims followed by gchat-based /ponystream(s) and testing of what combinations of "ha ha" elicit giggling chickens to pop up. I sometimes I think about what my life would be like if we hadn't been officemates for ~2.5 years and then I stop doing that because life's too short to ruminate on such terrible what-ifs.

Today's best part...
Was a dinner-working night with Roy Burstein. Few people are more enjoyable as both friends and colleagues as Roy, and well, I feel pretty darn lucky to know Dr. Burstein.

Visualize this

And here's the world's worst data visualization, per Edward Tufte in Visual Display of Quantitative Information and presented by Chris Adolph, our phenomenal professor in CS&SS569. All of that chart-junk for no more than five data points - such malarkey!

I think - I hope - I'm settling into a better routine for class/homework/studying/work/life. The Google tasks list is really helping for checking off things and easily being able to refer to what I need to do over the next few days. Over the weekend I need to do a bit more on getting readings organized (and completed), reviewing some of the class material from this week, and of course two coding assignments...yep, the grad school train never ends.

Today I learned...
Apparently I'm the number #1 social media disseminator of results from the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation (IHME) (or at least those can be linked to IHME) after the @IHME_UW handle itself. Who knew.

Today I'm grateful for...
Having two functional, healthy legs that let me walk all around campus, between class and work, and to/from bus stops and home. Since leaving my old job for a 2-month break this summer and starting grad school in September, I consistently average 2,000 to 4,000 more steps per day than I had in months (source: iPhone heart-shaped app thing). The main driver of this trend is having class every day, and then foot-motoring myself all over campus, the U district, etc. I know I'm very fortunate to be able to walk around all over the place like I do; beyond my legs and health, where I live and go to school really allows me to do this - and I'm grateful for that.

Today's best part...
Was two-fold: (1) Vasudha returning to work from her 3-week trip in India (her brother got married); and (2) catching up with my friend Jess, who hasn't been in Seattle for more than a few beats since December 7. I missed/miss both of these lovely women, and I was so happy to see/chat with them.