Who me? No, still not yet a PhD.

Well, well, well. 

If it isn't that little blog I started a (long) while back...and didn't quite maintain over the last several years. A commentary also applicable to my relative (lack of) progress toward PhD completion during this time...though I can report that today, I successfully wrote a few pages and produced a few tables of descriptive statistics for my dissertation (proposal). The little victories. (very little)

So, where was I...July 2019? I suppose a few things have happened since then. A very incomplete list of highlights include but are not limited to:

• 2019: had an amazing summer working at WHO and exploring Switzerland; began dating an equally amazing man person; began learning how to boulder (as in climbing up walls); started Year 2 of PhD.
• 2020: COVID-19 pandemic upended life in countless ways; while courses careened online, began work supporting COVID-19 modeling communications for IHME and tracking US policies with UW's Department of Political Science; mostly holed up in Shoreline with E while occasionally seeing friends at a distance; completed a summer fellowship with Exemplars in Global Health (EGH) and continued working part-time there in the fall; passed my preliminary exams; TA-ed a graduate-level course during Autumn 2020 quarter; went on a 2-week van-camping trip with E in Utah for Christmas; started Year 3 of PhD.
• 2021: TA-ed another graduate-level course during Winter 2021; K and then M moved to Colorado; continued work with EGH and US policy tracking (though discontinued the latter in August 2021), while starting a new RA-ship at IHME in Spring 2021; moved in with E in an amazing little house in north Greenwood; got vaccinated against COVID-19 (!!!!); went kayak camping with the ladies in the San Juans; went to two weddings in the during-COVID-era; started Year 4 of PhD.
• 2022: Developed and taught at a Winter Term course at Middlebury College; visited K and M in Colorado (also visited Colorado for the first time); became an auntie to a second nephew; continued work with EGH and IHME through June; had to stop running due to foot and toe joint issues; supported a BMGF strategy refresh via EGH; went on several mountain biking adventures with E, including a week working remotely (and biking) in Winthrop; visited my brother and family for the first time in nearly 3 years; went kayak camping with the ladies in the San Juans; began a year-long TA role for undergraduate public health research methods; E's dad got diagnosed with ALS; got COVID-19 at ASTMH; went on a mini-van trip from Seattle to Boulder en-route to Virginia; started Year 5 of PhD.
• 2023: visited Virginia multiple times to spend time with the L family; established my dissertation committee; finalized a multi-year project toward a master facility list in Senegal; completed TA role with a deepened love of teaching at the undergraduate-level; wrote a complete draft of dissertation proposal; began an exciting but intensive new project with BMGF on zero-dose learning via EGH; revamped my dissertation proposal; E's dad passed away at the end of August; started Year 6 (oy) of PhD.
  

So, so many more things happened in the last four or so years – I really wish I had done a better job capturing them along the way. From little to big, from the truly spectacular to absolutely devastating. From new lives joining the rest of us (so many babies!) to cherished ones leaving this earth. From the thrilling days of awkward courtship to cultivating a deep, lasting partnership with a person who lights my life in ways I only imagined. 

Losing E's dad from our collective futures has ripped so many holes in my heart, head, and soul. I think I'm still recovering from the full toll of this year as we collectively navigated ALS with R and the L family (though many others beyond me took on much more physical and emotional labor of caregiving). I try to remind myself of this, and to give myself what feels like unwarranted grace when I struggle to focus on my dissertation for days, sometimes weeks at a time. The little victories –  right?

Today I learned...
How to do some fancy concatenating formulas in Excel. Woooo!

Today I'm grateful for...

Paint-by-numbers. Who knew that the acrylic painting of pre-ordained shapes and numeric color-coding would give my weary brain such respite, allowing it to relax and come up with new ideas, solutions, and so on as my nervous hand energy is so spectacularly expelled across canvas...

Today's best part was...

This might get supplanted by tonight's highly anticipated game time with E's friends, but thus far, scoring a sweet deal on Andes Peppermint Crunch Baking Chips and having them arrive today takes the cake...or well, hopefully cookies in an hour or so.

WHO me? Yes, me - at WHO!

While it's been over 1.5 months since the spring quarter ended, it still seems worth saying...

...Year 1 of PhD, CHECK.

I'd like to say more about this milestone and reflect back on the year, but that deserves its own proper post. Instead, a small update pour moi:

I'm working at WHO (the World Health Organization) this summer! 

WHO me? YES ME!

I've been working for WHO since mid-June and based at headquarters (WHO HQ, as they say) in Geneva since June 25 (or, to practice proper European style guidelines, 25 June). It's already been an eye-opening experience, and I can only imagine how much more I'll learn during my remaining time at HQ. I'm so grateful for the opportunity, as well as the people who helped to make it happen. 

Which brings me to one of the big takeaways of this past year and my time at WHO thus far: never under-appreciate – or underestimate – the power of the people you work with, of both past and present; the people you meet, including those by total happenstance or in passing; and the people you actively choose to have in your life's ebbs and flows. Whoever I am today and however I’ve come to this place represents the net sum of hundreds, if not thousands, of people and their effects, from tiny to huge, on my life. Of course, I’ve also had a role in all of this – I’m not a passive bystander. But to imply that I alone have achieved xyz, that I blazed these paths as a solo traveler – well, that’s just not how it works. At all.

Today I learned...

At some point between 9:00-9:05 am window shades automatically come down in my new office (I was moved to a different office at WHO HQ yesterday). This is a delightful discovery, especially as part 2 of the 2019 European heat wave strikes... 

Today I'm grateful for...

My miniature USB-powered fan I'm now bringing everywhere with me and my Wickelfisch named Bob (Bobber or Bobby once you're on more friendly terms), whom I acquired in Basel and stellarly supports floating down the Rhone as a means to cool off and/or survive said European heat wave(s)...

Today's best part was...

Receiving a postcard from my good friend and PhD cohortmate Erin Hulland! Well, ok, technically that happened yesterday, but I'm ok with its extrapolation to today. Few things are better than getting surprise mail, which has also inspired me to try to better about sending postcards during my time in Geneva and places near by. 

When it rains it pours (and opens doors)

I woke up this morning with Train's "When I Look to the Sky" in my head, a song I haven't heard or even thought about in years, as in years. Given this diddy came out in 2003, it literally could be 10-15 años.

Trying to understand why this earworm suddenly lodged itself in my mind this morning seems pretty fruitless - especially since I've been up since 5 am to work out (finally got back to 3x15 pushup sets without wanting to cry) and start writing up paper feedback for a colleague. But maybe that's something I'm also learning: when or how to better pick my battles - and when or how to let things go.

Maybe it's age, maybe it's the PhD program - maybe it's a combination of the two, finally forcing me to take a step back, maybe even two, and carve out time to reflect.

On where I've been, where I am today, and where various paths could take me in the future.

On friendships and relationships lost and gained, and what I can do today to remedy lingering regrets.

On how I want to contribute to the world, and what I'm willing to forgo in order to craft the future I want. I increasingly don't have the energy or interest in working myself to the bone - particularly at the expense of important friendships and/or relationships in my life - even if that means I might not "go as far" in my career.

On enjoying the little things, and making the best of whatever life throws my way.

     When it rains it pours and opens doors and floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry...
     And as I float along this ocean I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
     'Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me, and you make everything alright
     And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me, and I can always find my way when you're here...

     Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead, instead it just feels impossible to fly
     But with you I can spread my wings, to see me over everything that life may send me when I am hoping it won't pass me by... 

Today I learned...
More about the upcoming Bioko Island malaria vaccine field trial - a very exciting development for malaria control and elimination programs! I didn't realize PfSPZ could provide up 100% efficacy (I truly thought someone had said otherwise), so I definitely need to read up more on this intervention...

Today I'm grateful for...
The lessons that come with time, and how life has a funny way of helping you out, helping you out (yes, I'm also bringing Alanis into this 90s-early 00s lyric fest).

Today's best part was...
(Dr!) Sarah Hanson successfully defended her dissertation today! It was phenomenal to see what she's done and to reflect on how she truly was the trailblazer for all of us global health metrics doctoral students at UW. What. a. rockstar.

Of doctoral delight and doom

Because sometimes, the completely unnecessary purchase - particularly for someone on a grad student budget - seems priceless when you know it will it put a smile on your face whenever you see it...which would typically be at least 2-3 times a day...and if you assume an y increase in happiness per x rise in smiles...ok, I'll stop. For now.

I imagine this isn't a unique experience (at all [?]), but wow, PhD life is so odd. The last few weeks have been great, as in actually great: I'm making progress on analyses and manuscripts, my classes are interesting, and some exciting opportunities or side projects are percolating through the pipelines. I'm also sleeping more, working out with greater regularity, and eating healthier - all of which are undoubtedly contributing to feeling great. I mean, I still don't know what I'm doing this summer, let alone for my next research assistantship assignment - and I'm truly, genuinely not stressed out by that uncertainty (or at least not yet, knockonallthewood). 

One, definitely two months ago and I wouldn't have recognized the person I feel like right now, as I was at best floundering. I want to hold to this for as long as possible, this sense of calm and heightened confidence, or at least try maximize it. But I know it's likely fleeting, as this ride is called Of Doctoral Delight and Doom, and the ups can't be ups without the downs.

Today I learned...

How to properly (correction: potentially properly) implement the survey R package and thus finish my homework the day before it was due. One of my goals this quarter is to work on (and complete) homework assignments well before their due date so then I have more time to go to office hours, lab, etc. and actually ask meaningful questions instead of winging it at the last minute.

Today I'm grateful for...

Coworkers who are willing to go to bat for me and/or help me with particular projects, class or work or otherwise. I feel so lucky that I get to be surrounded by such generous - and brilliant - people.

Today's best part...

Is knowing that I have really tasty leftovers for dinner when I get home (i.e., cashew chicken from Molly Gilbert's One Pan & Done). This whole dinner-in nights (DINs) has been a smashing success thus far, and - gasp - I'm enjoying making dinner for myself slash Kelly.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner

Confession: I don't really like to cook that much.

Correction: I'm not really motivated to cook for myself.

Condition: I'm single and live alone.

Conclusion: I don't really cook that much, for myself or anyone.

In the past, I've been pretty happy to "scavenge" whatever is in my fridge and/or cupboards, and call a grilled cheese sandwich and a pile of carrots dinner. That or grab some kind of food to-go from a local eatery (or, well, get dinner through the late-night working crew at work). But now that I've been on a graduate student stipend for a few months, I've realized I need a better incentive system to improve my cooking habits. Something with flexibility so I don't feel immediately overwhelmed, yet something with accountability so I also feel adequately compelled to change my behavior. 

Drum (dinner?) roll please.

Tonight, implementation of the "Dinner-in Nights" intervention - DINs - began with my great friend (and apartment building co-resident) Kelly. This pilot program involves each of us committing to cook at least once a week, and then alternating cooking for the other person every other week. This two-pronged approach aims to cultivate a non-intimidating cooking routine while promoting mutual accountability among two people with low access barriers (i.e., we live in the same building, we work for the same company) and high motivation for behavior change. We will report weekly progress as part of the overarching monitoring plan, and course-correct as needed. Limitations of this pilot program may include unforeseen scheduling constraints, self-recall biases (e.g., "Oh wait, it was my turn to cook this week? Ermmm...), and potential for suboptimal adherence. 

Can this count as our study protocol pre-registration?

Anyway.

To kick-off DINs properly, I made Molly Gilbert's tried-and-true (and truly delectable) chicken and broccoli with spicy peanut sauce with a side of quinoa. And before you think I'm a fancy quinoa-toting chef (or something), I'm fairly sure I purchased it circa 2013-2014 amid a fleeting cooking spree - it's hung out on a pantry shelf since. Like her cookbook promised, this dish was quick and easy and ever so tasty. Now Kelly and I both have leftovers in our fridges, and happy digestion in our bellies.

For more of Molly's great recipes (and 'riting), check out her blog at https://dunkandcrumble.com/

Today I learned...

When I was rerunning some analyses, I noticed that a number of patient-level data points were somehow negative versions of otherwise reasonable blood pressure readings (i.e., not 0 or -999, a frequent code for missing values). I'm going to investigate a bit more tomorrow, but it's likely that the negative values were interviewer errors and thus we should adjust them (i.e., multiply by -1) and now include these patients rather than dropping them. Takeway: know thy data.

Today I'm grateful for...

Easy access to a local Trader Joe's so I could pick up ingredients for our first DINs without breaking the bank and on the way home from work.

Today's best part was...

Brainstorming lesson topics and plans for a global health and data science training we'll be offering through the Washington Global Health Alliance (WGHA)'s STEM Global Teacher Workshop at the end of April. I'm excited for the opportunity to be more involved in curriculum development and teaching around global health measurement - more to come soon!

When I grow up, I want to...have a PhD?

What's your dissertation topic? Ummm...

What do you want to do after your PhD? Uhhh...

What do you want to get out of your PhD program - besides a doctorate? Oh, I can answer that one - I think...


It's been almost exactly 6 months since I started my doctoral studies at UW, and while I'm a few (coughmanycough) steps away from landing on a dissertation topic - let alone knowing exactly what I want to do with my PhD - I recently tackled something I had planned to do awhile ago. I wrote out my PhD hopes and goals within key categories; I mapped out the courses I wanted to take and when they were offered (and then color-coded them by degree program requirement - obviously); and put them all in a Google drive so I could regularly review and update them.

Several people, ranging from formal and informal mentors alike to current and former PhD students/friends/colleagues, had recommended completing this kind of exercise in one way or another. One professor told me to articulate 1-, 5-, 10-, and 25-year goals and then identify what experiences and skills I needed to meet them during my PhD. One of my best friends/former officemate and colleague/current PhD candidate recommended writing out what I hoped to learn and be exposed to over the course of my doctoral studies. And the list went on - clearly this was something I should do.

I drafted up an initial version the weekend after a 40 minute cryfest with my faculty advisor. The aim was to review the courses I had taken already, identify the types of methods and skills I wanted to learn, and then work out what kinds of next steps I should take in terms of projects, research assistantships, summer jobs, and so on. Not surprisingly - ha - I took it to the next level, and sought to find more tangible reasons why I was even doing this whole PhD thingamabob in the first place. Clearly, this was a long time coming.

For anyone currently in and/or starting a PhD program - I highly recommend this process. It's helped me garner greater focus, a better understanding of how I want to mold my doctoral studies, and - bonus - realize I'm already making progress toward real milestones I actually care about (versus benchmarks others were erecting and I inadvertantly got caught up in measuring my performance against them).

I imagine I'll continue to refine this working document, but in case anyone else wants a broader template from which to start their own "PhD goals and planning, 20xx-20xx" reference, here's my current structure (and a few examples):

• PhD goals and planning: 2018-202x
• When I graduate with my doctorate, I want to...
• Have expertise across impact evaluation methods and analyses
• Have exposure to different phases of evaluation projects
• Have spent time working at organizations and/or with country partners outside of my current research institute
• ...among others
• Topical areas I would like to spend more time on include...
• Vaccine coverage and vaccination determinants
• Malaria control and elimination
• Healthcare utilization (e.g., care-seeking behavior) and intervention effectiveness
• Intersection of quantitative global health and social psychology/sociological factors that affect effectiveness and outcomes
• ...among others
• The technical methods and analytical approaches I want to learn more about are...
• Impact evaluation and policy analysis techniques (e.g., stepped wedge)
• Data synthesis techniques for trend estimation (e.g., methods for combining administrative and survey data)
• Geospatial analysis
• Counterfactual models and simulations
• Qualitative data collection and/or analysis
• Network analysis
• ...among others
• Specific research and coding skills I would like to learn include...
• Becoming proficient in R
• Making maps
• Developing R Shiny tools (I did this!)
• ...among others
• Personal and academic experiences I want to have or benchmarks I want to achieve during my PhD are...
• TA-ing at least 1-2 courses
• Applying to teach (and then ideally treaching) a J-term course on global health measurement and analysis at my alma mater (current target is Winter 2021)
• Applying for at least 1 grant or fellowship
• Writing 1-2 first-author papers per year; supporting 1-2 team papers per year and/or providing regular scientific paper mentorship, coaching, etc. to team members
• ...among others

Spring quarter 2019 - here I come.


Today I learned...
...well, it's more like thought-about-more-deeply than formally-learned-something-completely-new, but I technically learned more about the challenges of conducting truly independent evaluations from a bravely written Viewpoint in The Lancet: Storeng & Palmer, "When ethics and politics collide in donor-funded global health research." I strongly recommend it.

Today I'm grateful for...
My research team's willingness to let me focus on studying for finals and recovering from an obstinate ear/sinus infection over the last week. Further, I'm now the bottleneck for a manuscript we're working on, yet everyone has kindly given me the space to focus on school and then getting closer to 100% health status. I'm incredibly thankful for this, and I look forward to wrangling results and a paper into submission this week (all the puns intended).

Today's best part was...
Honestly, being back in the office. I missed seeing my team and colleagues, and it felt good to back in "my" hotel space. PhD students reserve computer space at our offices through an online system, and I've essentially taken over "Hotel 2" at our northern offices. This is where I left the homemade paperweight the Murphy girls made me as a thank you for coordinating Girl Scout cookie orders at our institute for them (as if this was a huge inconvenience or something...ha). It kind of snuck up on me, but I'm starting to feel like I belong.

Another quarter, another...quarter?

And just like that, Winter Quarter 2019 is done. Two quarters down, one-third of my PhD coursework completed, over 54% of core classes finished...ok, enough with the statistics. At least for the next week - oh wait, that's a lie. I'll definitely be doing some statistics next week.

The quarter system is a weird, wild ride. Our professors shove a typical semester's 13-15 weeks of material into 10 weeks of class time and course work, taunting our minds and sleep schedules to stretch and shrink respectively. Throw in a snow day (or week, as Seattle did this year), and suddenly what was already a precarious timetable goes totally topsy-turvy. One professor recalibrates expectations, extending deadlines and shifting class foci; others charge ahead, recording lectures to supplement lost days and providing additional office hours to offset diminished face time. The quarter system can offer some great benefits - the ability to enroll in a greater variety and total number of courses, the opportunity to take a quarter off to do xyz without wreaking total havoc on timelines, among others. The quarter system also can be your foe - pushing, pushing, pushing until something gives, and that something is usually you.

About 5 or so weeks into this past quarter I gave. The days were flying by and while my colleagues and classmates were at least seemingly keeping apace, I felt sluggish and increasingly worried about falling behind. New concepts and equations and code swirled around my head without settling anywhere, an experience that shook me as I've relied on my brain and its swift uptake of information for decades. The isolating cycle of studying, coding, and doing homework alone left me desperately craving social interaction, but whenever I spent time with friends and people outside of work or school, I felt like I was watching my own social trainwreck from afar. Words were thick and clumsy, jokes wouldn't land, and I couldn't keep track of anyone's stories or updates anymore. Nothing felt good, everything felt out of reach.

Though no magical life 180 followed a a tear-laden meeting with my faculty advisor in mid-February, various bits and bobs gradually started to come together. I worked on a couple of group projects where I finally felt more useful and effective, slowly rebuilding some confidence in my head and brain capacities. I tackled some outstanding data processing needs for my research one weekend, and threw myself into a coding project the next - and even got an R Shiny app with Sankey diagrams to work! I spent more time with longstanding friends and new grad school ones alike, adding new layers and strength to the Seattle community I hold so dear. I began to haul myself out on some painfully slow runs, and started wobbling through some push-up and ab routines again. While the last month has been far from smooth sailing (e.g., I got pretty sick last weekend right before and then during finals, which ultimately led me to cancel a trip back East to see my nephew, brother, and sister-in-law so I could fully recover), I increasingly feel like I'm back at the rudder of my own ship. At least for now.

Today I learned...
Overtime in the NHL now stipulates 3-on-3 (plus goalies) sudden death play rather than the full squad. How exciting (and unexpected).

Today I'm grateful for...
Spending time with great people, of past and present Seattle. I got the chance to have dinner with Allie last night, I spent a couple of hours in Fremont with Chloe and Molly this afternoon, and I had dinner with Brooks in Capitol Hill tonight. I'm also grateful for the chance to rest and recuperate over the last few days; from sleeping 15 hours on Thursday to Friday morning and taking a full break from work and school, it's made a massive difference. My total A-game remains a bit illusive (i.e., my ear infection hasn't fully cleared and I'm still pretty drained), but I'm getting there.

Today's best part was...
Doing a meet-and-greet for two delightful, goofy weimaraners I'll be dogsitting April 6-7. Luke and Luna brought me so much joy.

Let it be, let it PhD

As I've sought to take a few beats and reflect on the last couple weeks, Let It Be by the Beattles floated into my statistics-scorched mind and has kindly stuck around. It's provided a gentle, melodious reminder of what I need to aim for as I face what I can only describe as deep unmooring of myself from head to heart. There will be answers, in one way or another; the nights will become less cloudy in time. I just need to find the ways to let it be, so to speak. Finding greater grace and acceptance, of what is and can be, and becoming more comfortable with the changing tides of this PhD ocean I find myself on.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be

There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

I spent about 40 minutes, ranging from simply crying to essentially sobbing, in my faculty advisor's office last week. "I'm so unhappy," I sputtered, almost immediately after I sat down. "I feel so useless and stupid and so lost...and so...undocked...unmoored?" I eventually got out, desperately trying to pin a label or two on the unsettling defeat and sadness I had increasingly felt over the quarter. "I don't belong here...I'm literally the dumbest person in my program...I shouldn't have done this...I'm so lonely...why didn't I go elsewhere when I had the chance?...I'm never going to be a statistician or health metrics guru or coding whiz...I hate feeling so dumb and unhelpful to my team and slow...and just everything." My faculty advisor passed me a tissue box and listened until I finished unpeeling the layers of self-doubt, despondency, and isolation that had brought me to this point.

Thankfully, my faculty advisor is no stranger to students' or employees' emotional roller coasters, and to mine in particular. Over the decade plus we've known each other, she has given me the tough love and feedback I needed (and often before I knew I needed it); supported me through exciting and painful professional decisions alike; and helped me navigate personal losses and heartbreak. For some people having this kind of mentor fusion across professional and personal dimensions may seem odd and/or would not be preferred. After all, faculty advisors can wield a lot of power of over your academic and career pathways, and the fact that mine has seen me through some of my personal lows, from the dissolution of an engagement several years ago to a more recent decision to stay in Seattle/go to UW and end a relationship with a man I nonetheless deeply loved, is sometimes a bit scary. Even after all of these years, part of me was terrified to admit the depths of my sadness, frustration, and rutterlessness at that meeting - as if I was letting her down as much as myself.

The remainder of our meeting was spent talking about the wide prevalence of such experiences in graduate school and especially PhD programs; how this particular program was never going to be a cakewalk for me ("If all you had wanted was a PhD, there were much easier routes"); and what tangible steps we collectively and I individually could take to hopefully improve aspects going forward. I left our meeting drained and still feeling unmoored, a sense that kept me raw and tears close at bay for hours, if not days later. Yet I also felt ever so slightly better, like heavy gears slowly inching toward motion, offering hints of a sunnier horizon and gently whispering, you’ll get there, just hang on a little longer. Let it be.


Today I learned...
I can be a steely tough scientist and emotionally splintered human being at the same time.

Today I'm grateful for...
The people who listen. The people who accept you, from the great to ugly, and want to see you succeed. The people I get to have in my life, since having such wonderful, genuine, emotionally-supportive people is never a given.

Today's best part...
Honestly, I'm still working that out. Perhaps an early bed time will do.

Elephants can get TB too

Winter 2019 midterms are finally over! Multiple snowdays last week and mounting non-school work made it feel like midterms would never end. Yet they did and I left them feeling more confident about what I learned this quarter than my first quarter. Whether that actually translates into good scores - well, that's another matter. However, I'm really trying to focus on the reasons I'm doing a PhD - to learn and to improve on the areas I struggle - and worry less about homework or exam grades.

This isn't easy, particularly when a lot of classmates get riled up about their GPAs, how much time they're studying for tests, and trying to ace class assignments. It's challenging to consistently quell the anxiety that you're not doing enough or gaining knowledge as quickly as fellow students; to genuinely derive satisfaction from your own (gradual) personal progress without comparing your performance against others and skittering into imposter syndrome feedback cycles. One step at a time, one step at a time...

Today I learned...
Two things! (well, two things that particularly tickled my fancy):
1) Elephants can get and transmit tuberculosis (TB), just like humans. Apparently it can be pretty rough on them too, with their large respiratory systems and all.
2) BMI - body mass index - also was/is called the Quetelet index. I was reading an early 1990s paper for a homework assignment and couldn't figure out why this Quetelet index kept being talked about (especially when the homework question was asking about obesity). Google revealed that, lo and behold, BMI and the Quetelet index are one in the same. I wonder why or how BMI became more widely known, both in general but also among researchers...oh the Google-ing rabbit holes to hop down!

Today I'm grateful for...
The IHME Post-Bachelor Fellowship. I'm currently helping with interviews (and dogsitting dogs of interviewers), and as I'm talking with candidates, I keep thinking about how much the program shaped my career and life trajectories. It was far from smooth-sailing and I certainly had my share of ups and many downs, but the IHME PBF program ultimately equipped me with the scientific foundation, skills, and passion for global health research that keeps me excited about pursuing this kind of work to this day. That and well, some of the most meaningful and lasting friendships, professional opportunities, and mentors I could ever imagine. So thank you, IHME and the individuals who picked me to join this the fledging program back in 2008. Thank you for taking the chance on a wide-eyed, ever-so-slightly enthusiastic, science-loving, non-coding psychology major who didn't know anything about global health way back when. It's been quite the ride ever since.

Today's best part...
Was the pure joy of a corgi luxuriating in Seattle's big snowfall from last night. Mickie the corgi, whom I'm dogsitting, and I walked ~3 miles this morning into the office, and well, the video is worth a thousand words.

And it's midterms...all over...again

And yes, thank you for asking! My midterm study corner is definitely as cool and hip as Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers.

Today I learned...

That patients, who presented at UVM and Dartmouth neurology departments in Vermont and New Hampshire respectively, who waterskiied at least twice a month per month for at least one year (yes, this was the exposure measure) had a heightened odds for ALS than those who did not fit this waterskiing category. Of course, some of my epidemiology classmates and I spent a non-insubstantial amount of time trying to pick apart this study today. Our biggest question remains unanswered: who are these - brave? bonkers? - Vermonters and New Hampshirites who are waterskiing/have ever waterskiied during every month of the year? Or are they, since every lake is frozen in the winter, pursuing national or international waterskiing competitions elsewhere, and thus compose a completely wacky study population. SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Today I'm grateful for...

Friends who make food, for themselves and me, in exchange for being able to watch the Super Bowl on my TV. While I code/work. During the entire game. I am very open to this kind of deal in the future, particularly when homemade meals are on the table. Ha.

Today's best part...

Honestly? Realizing I could write about three lines of code to properly format an email list for the office-wide Girl Scout cookie order I helped coordinate on behalf of a former employee. Because maybe that means I'm actually making headway toward reprogramming my mind into being more code and statistics friendly...all the puns intended.

Dog days of code

morning.fun.with.dogs.before.coding.all.day <- c("Copper", "Spike", "Gabby", "Kelly")

Unfortunately, that's probably the extent of R I'll code today. For better or for worse, Stata is just so much faster for the data cleaning/formatting I need to reexecute in order to prep my project's data for new analyses next week. You win some, you lose some.

Today I learned...
*Technically, I learned this on Thursday, not today, but it's too good not to share*
While humans see in three primary colors (i.e., our eyes have three types of cones, which then allow us to see red, green, and blue light), chickens have 12 cones in their eyes, and thus can see in 12 different primary colors! Can you imagine how chickens would describe colors if they could do more than squawk - or if human beings could chat with chickens in...Chicken-ese? about how they experience the world?!

I learned in Chris Adolph's CSSS569 course, Visualizing Data and Methods, which has been phenomenal thus far. I highly recommend it to anyone interested in the theory (cognitive psychology, hurrah!) and generation of effective visualizations of social science methods and data.

Today I'm grateful for...
A good night's sleep. I slept long and hard last night, which I desparately needed after a few weeks of various ups, downs, and stress involving the royal triad of school, work, and life matters. Physical and psychological lethargy had been dragging me down recently, so it was quite lovely to finally feel more spritely this morning.

Today's best part was...
Thus far, it's been solving some tricky automation code I needed to debug and troubleshoot today. I had spent various chunks of the last week trying to figure out how to code up a systematic way to select patients' baseline and endline biometric measures while accounting gaps in baseline measurement timing (i.e., at enrollment, sometimes patients didn't have A1c or blood pressure readings so we needed to use the next most recent measures), but hadn't been able to fully implement it across various datasets. 

R is for R

Yesterday, I got my first professional rejection in a long time.

Well, technially I wasn't formally rejected; it was a rejection by omission by waiting for a potential email of good news, never receiving it, and then learning at least one person did in fact receive said email of good news. Horrifyingly, I questioned whether something was wrong with the UW email server before realizing I just didn't make the cut; I'm still shaking my head at such a presumption.

I'm not exactly sure why this one stung so much. Maybe it's because I haven't applied for a 'reach' position for awhile. Maybe it's because I'm feeling a bit more vulnerable in grad school, as I spend most of my days trying to tackle concepts and skills I either don't know or I'm expressly not great at yet. Maybe it's because I never got the opportunity to really show who I am or what I can offer in person - me on paper wasn't enough. Maybe it simply feels crappy and that's just how it is.

After some tears were spilled and beers were swilled, I'm feeling moderately better - and extremely motivated to figure out next steps for this summer. I know this rejection is likely to be the beginning of many more, but that's because I'm determined to keep putting myself out there and reaching for the proverbial global health stars.

Today I learned...
A lot more about Kamala Harris's political positions and background. In other words, I woke up at 2 am last night, couldn't get back to sleep for awhile, and read a lot of Vox articles.

Today I'm grateful for...
The people who can be both supportive and candidly put everything in perspective. That's a tough balance to achieve, and I'm grateful I have a lot of those people in my life.

Today's best part...
Seeing how much Copper, the dog I'm dog-sitting for the next week-plus, is warming up to me. That and he intently listened to my "Stay" commands at mealtimes. It feels like we're settling into a happy little routine. 

On the strength of vulnerability

"The way you put it all out there - how you're open about your challenges and successes and everything in between. I admire that."

Of course, I was both extremely flattered and flustered by these kind words uttered by my PhD cohortmate last week. The former because, who wouldn't be touched by such generosity, and the latter because, well such generosity. Here's why: there's nothing particularly unique or special about the challenges and successes and everything in between concerning my experiences as a first-year doctoral student thus far. And in many ways, I have it easier than many of my cohortmates, or at least my day-to-day involves fewer immediate demands or dependents to balance alongside my studies; I have no idea how classmates effectively navigate school needs (i.e., class, studying/homework, RA- or TA-ships) and raising children, taking care of their parents, etc. Objectively, any sacrifices I've had to make to date also pale in comparison with others; my heart hurts whenever I think about how so many classmates are pursuing their scholastic and professional dreams while their spouses, children, and families are literally continents away.

From my perspective, there's so much strength to be found in vulnerability - not only for yourself, but also for the people around you. The ability to recognize one's flaws or weaknesses or challenges and actively try to improve on them however you can. The willingness to genuinely apologize for your mistakes, to admit when you're wrong. The understanding that, by acknowledging that you want or need support beyond your own capacities, you're paving a better path forward - and not being weak. In so many situations and places - particularly for women - showing any kind of vulnerability is automatically cast as a negative trait, an act that needs to be squashed. I know numerous talented people who - due to whatever circumstances or reasons - would rather bend over backwards, walk over hot coals, etc. than say "I'm sorry" with no buts, follow-up explanations, or other types of apology hedging. In a similar vein, I truly believe there's strength in being open about if various experiences have been challenging and how they've been overcome. Again, not only for yourself, but for others as well.

It took me years - nearly a decade - to finally, fully believe that I too could be smart enough, talented enough, capable enough to join the ranks of prospective PhDs. The people I knew pursuing doctorates seemed to effortlessly learn and excel; to apply and be accepted for awe-inspiring internships, fellowships, jobs, etc.; to know what and how and where they wanted to go and be. I existed in, or at least I thought I occupied, a different orbit of intellect and indecisiveness. Yet in more recent years, they - and others, so many brave others - have talked or written about their challenges and insecurities in the same breath or page as their successes and achievements. It turns out that we're all more similar than different - and this kind of understanding needs to be shared more often and with more people. As I talk with many early career professionals (again, particularly women), too many mental barriers remain between where they are and the places they'd like to be. So, if I can do anything, literally anything at all, to help one person find their strength amid their vulnerabilities...well, I can't imagine many things better than that.

Today I learned...
I still remember some tricks of the trade for R, which means I retained some modicum of coding knowledge gained in CSSS501 and the half of CSSS503 I took last year. Thank you Jeff Arnold!

Today I'm grateful for...
Annie Haakenstad, a woman who constantly inspires me and then makes me cackle with glee. It makes me so happy that we can have serious discussions about research, grad school, and career aims followed by gchat-based /ponystream(s) and testing of what combinations of "ha ha" elicit giggling chickens to pop up. I sometimes I think about what my life would be like if we hadn't been officemates for ~2.5 years and then I stop doing that because life's too short to ruminate on such terrible what-ifs.

Today's best part...
Was a dinner-working night with Roy Burstein. Few people are more enjoyable as both friends and colleagues as Roy, and well, I feel pretty darn lucky to know Dr. Burstein.

Visualize this

And here's the world's worst data visualization, per Edward Tufte in Visual Display of Quantitative Information and presented by Chris Adolph, our phenomenal professor in CS&SS569. All of that chart-junk for no more than five data points - such malarkey!

I think - I hope - I'm settling into a better routine for class/homework/studying/work/life. The Google tasks list is really helping for checking off things and easily being able to refer to what I need to do over the next few days. Over the weekend I need to do a bit more on getting readings organized (and completed), reviewing some of the class material from this week, and of course two coding assignments...yep, the grad school train never ends.

Today I learned...
Apparently I'm the number #1 social media disseminator of results from the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation (IHME) (or at least those can be linked to IHME) after the @IHME_UW handle itself. Who knew.

Today I'm grateful for...
Having two functional, healthy legs that let me walk all around campus, between class and work, and to/from bus stops and home. Since leaving my old job for a 2-month break this summer and starting grad school in September, I consistently average 2,000 to 4,000 more steps per day than I had in months (source: iPhone heart-shaped app thing). The main driver of this trend is having class every day, and then foot-motoring myself all over campus, the U district, etc. I know I'm very fortunate to be able to walk around all over the place like I do; beyond my legs and health, where I live and go to school really allows me to do this - and I'm grateful for that.

Today's best part...
Was two-fold: (1) Vasudha returning to work from her 3-week trip in India (her brother got married); and (2) catching up with my friend Jess, who hasn't been in Seattle for more than a few beats since December 7. I missed/miss both of these lovely women, and I was so happy to see/chat with them.

Hit me with your best shot

This is what you do when it's 53 and sunny in January, the dog you’re dogsitting isn’t happy about being inside, and you have a whole book to read by Tuesday.

Catching rays and Edward Tufte aside, I'm both excited and nervous about this quarter.

I'm excited because I'm deliberately trying to implement lessons learned from last quarter to my studies and time management routine. For instance, I now have a master to-do list on Google tasks so I can better keep track of deadlines across classes, work, and life responsibilities/needs. I've also organized my schedule to guard time during the day and week to study and complete homework rather than heaping everything into the weekends. I'm excited to challenge myself in new ways: tackling a larger courseload; coding up expanded and new analyses for my research assistantship; and applying for summer internships outside of my immediate comfort zones (i.e., health research institutes and academia). I'm excited to more vehemently push back the self-doubts that occasionally crept into my psyche last quarter, and to further strengthen my skills in the areas where I continue to feel the least confident (coughbiostatscough).

As much as there's a lot to be excited about, I remain unsettled by various elements. I'm nervous that I'm not solidifying or honing in what exactly I want to work on for the next year or so, let alone dissertation and longer-term research endeavors. Every time we're asked to introduce ourselves in class and provide a sentence or two about our main interests, I panic - impact evaluations, I like those, but also malaria, and then vaccines, and what about health systems, and of course universal health coverage, and ohmygoshwhatIdoIwanttodooooo - and then bluster through something that squarely qualifies as gobbledygook. I'm nervous the very thing I need to do be successful in graduate school - spend thousands of hours studying and learning and coding and thinking on my own - is going to leave me deeply unhappy, and well, very alone. Ten-plus years in the workforce has fundamentally changed the way I like to learn and work since my last bout of being a full-time student, yet group studying and projects in school can be so fraught with frustration unless you magically amass the right combination of people at the right time, place, etc. I'm nervous about how grad school will continue to affect my friendships and relationships, immediately and longer term. In some ways, the full-time-work to grad school transition has enabled a greater flexibility to spend time with my people in ways I'm so appreciative of; for example, the week spent with my nephew and family in Maine uninterrupted by school or work after finals was one of the best weeks I've had in a long, long time. In other ways, I've really struggled to properly carve out time for good friends in a regular manner, let alone create the literal and emotional space for new people, friends or otherwise. Such a strange internal conflict has recently emerged, particularly around how to prioritize myself, my studies, and all of the other many, many important things beyond my little sphere of existence. Here I am, finally having amassed the confidence and willingness to ditch a well-paying, hey-I'm-pretty-good-at-this set of jobs for the chance to pursue a career trajectory I've always wanted but never thought I was smart or good enough to qualify for. It's the time to focus on what I need and to try to do this whole thing to the best of my ability - and it should feel great and empowering and thrilling, right? Instead, I constantly find myself questioning whether I'm doing enough - for school and what I need to learn; for others, from those who have been my people for years to a new man and figuring out if or how he might fit into my life; and for myself, the personal to professional to the yadda yadda yadda lobster bisque. Learning how to articulate what I need or want, and then advocate for it, has not been easy; for anyone who has met me and thinks otherwise, remember that appearances can be quite deceiving. 2019 has already tested some of these gains: would I 'confront' an uncomfortable situation and ask someone to pay for the glasses her dog ate under my watch? [Yes, and I decided I felt best about splitting the cost; hurrah!] Could I find the words to best represent my otherwise still-in-progress, unsatisfactorily nebulous thoughts? [The jury very much remains out on this one] And here's the fun part: it's only the beginning of the year. I say hit me with your best shot, or any other trite-yet-inspirational 1980s song title.

Today I learned...
How much satisfaction I could get out of inputting most of the quarter's tasks and deadlines into a master to-do list in Google tasks. And then being able to check off all of my school-related items until Wednesday - oh yes, that was very, very satisfying. Now, about that dry-cleaning I was supposed to pick up last week...three months ago...

Today I'm grateful for...
Melanie Hobart - for her friendship, for dogpark adventures with Spike, and for everything in between.

Today's best part...
Was spending time outside, whether it was romping in the dogpark with human and canine friends alike or reading for school. It was one of those days you truly feel grateful to "live in the sunshine...[and] drink the wild air," per Ralph Waldo Emerson.

A new quarter, a new year

Somewhere between November 19 and this evening, a lot happened - including, of course (no pun intended?), finishing my first quarter of doctoral studies. 

During this time, I meant to write more, document the big and small happenings of pursuing PhD-dom (e.g., big - being a keynote speaker at the European Public Health Association's conference in Slovenia, coding up results for my research team's big deliverables right before finals; small - learning how to better balance finals' studying and maintaining a regular physical activity routine, having a teammate say she's never seen such beautiful graphs made in Stata, toasting to a few cohortmates after our biostatistics final). I don't want to miss the big and small occurrences, as I truly believe I have much to learn from both during the course of my PhD. That's important to me.

But here's the thing - taking a break, a real break, after my first quarter back at school turned out be really important too. That meant leaving my computer back in Seattle when I went to Maine to see family (and finally meet my nephew!). No one, including myself, could remember the last winter holiday in which I wasn't frantically doing some kind of work for folks back at the office; for instance, last year, I was running analyses for WHO on universal health coverage while my brother and sister-in-law were making Christmas cookies. That meant not going into the office until last week - and only chipping away at a few things without getting particularly worked up about my current to-do list. That meant not opening any textbooks, however tempting they were, and only reading non-scholastic books (cue Michelle Obama's incredible Becoming). 

After 10+ years working in one academic environment or another, you'd think I would have learned how to better ride the tides of work, school, and non-work-school activities by now. And while I've certainly made progress, it's still a challenge to truly step away and give myself a break. How come? Well, the dimensions are undoubtedly numerous and likely a blend of conscious and unconscious factors. I know they include having a people-pleasing streak 10 miles wide and feeling like I need to deliver on the privileges I've been afforded in my life thus far (i.e., growing up with a supportive and loving family; having access to great educational and professional opportunities). I know they involve being both driven to succeed and terrified of failure, never wanting to either let myself down or the people and organizations that have invested so much in me to date. I know they include wanting to improve the world, in one way or another, and recognizing how much hard work it takes to tackle the important, complicated challenges so many people face. But as I've increasingly learned, I can't put my best self forward and contribute to improving the world's health if I'm mentally drained and/or physically exhausted from burning every candles' ends. I have to step away, take a real break, and then return with greater clarity and purpose.

Melinda Gates' selection of "grace" as her word of the year for 2018 - and now again for 2019 - resonates with me. Grace for myself, grace for others, and grace for the circumstances I can't do anything about. Here's to a new quarter - Winter 2019! - and a new year.

Today I learned...

There are absolutely no standard CV formats in existence - none. I recently realized I'm missing some key sections in my CV, plus I hadn't updated it since March 2018. Some great recommendations came through a Twitter inquiry and Google has some decent options, but it looks like this is going to be more of an endeavor than I originally thought.

Today I'm grateful for...

Hot lemon water. While I fully recognize that any "science" suggesting health benefits from hot lemon water is dubious at best, I nonetheless enjoy (1) its taste; (2) the warmth it provides; and (3) any placebo effects in combatting fledgling colds it may offer. 

Today's best part...

Was hearing from a Middlebury College junior who is absolutely ecstatic to pursue training and a career in global health research. Her excitement for combining her skills in computer science and dedication to public health has energized me, and I so look forward to trying to connect her with the future opportunities.

On unexpected inspiration

By the time I left my doctoral seminar today, I felt a jolt of excitement for and inspiration around my doctoral program at UW - a feeling that has eluded me for the last few weeks to month or so.

Thanks to my good friend and colleague David Pigott, who ended his phenomenal presentation considering opportunities where global health metrics and implementation science intersect (a truly unique arena provided by our program), I once again remembered why I chose this program (and ultimately did so twice). I chose it for its interdisciplinary nature; for its range of options and topical areas; and importantly, for its capacity to substantially elevate my research abilities and leadership to a new level. And to get there, well, it was never going to easy.

Statistics - particularly of the bio variety - and my brain have never meshed well together. I liked math in high school and I love quantitative research, yet statistics has continued to muddle my neurons for years. Prior to starting the PhD proram, I had essentially made it pretty far in my career without making much headway on the foundation, let alone more advanced knowledge, that is critical to most effectively leading research projects or teams. I wanted - I want - to get better at statistical methods and modeling, even though I know I will never be a stats wizard like many of my colleagues and cohortmates. And as mentor once told me, it's very rare to meaningfully learn new things without struggling. I just need to deliberately practice remembering all of this, even if it's for a few minutes each day. Otherwise, I'll risk missing out on a lot of important experiences and opportunities during my program if I keep cycling through the first four stages of statistics grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression) without carving out more acceptance.

Today I learned...
About some of the interesting implementation science methods and measurement efforts being spearheaded by UW's Professor Bryan Weiner. We actually share a similar background - fierce foci on clinical psychology followed by realizations that the clinical setting didn't quite align with our dispositions - and I want to learn more about how he's bringing behavioral science into health systems frameworks and evaluation.

Today I'm grateful for...
Katie Harris, who has been incredibly generous with her time and expertise as I aim to evolve into less of a bull in an program evaluation china shop. Relearning how to be a student and researcher again hasn't been the most smooth-sailing (let's just say my ship is prone to capsizing and I'm frequently grabbing my bilge pump), but Katie has helped to steady me (and my analyses).

Today's best part was...
Geeking out about malaria treatment coverage measurement and trends with Annie. Second place goes to running with bike lights wrapped around my ponytail ("I'm a bike...but not!") and finally starting to feel better from the nasty head cold that took me down this weekend slides into third. The latter would rank higher if I hadn't lugged around an entire tissue box to classes; I guess there's always tomorrow.

"Boy becomes man becomes doctor" - Nafis Sadat

ROY BECAME A DOCTOR TODAY!

Today I learned...
How much easier analyses are when you have a well-constructed codebook and/or labeled variables in your dataset. While this is far from a new thing learned, I think it's worth mentioning given the extent to which I increasingly appreciate such data management. The amount of time I'm currently spending to hunt down variable names, confirm survey skip patterns, and format data for analysis is a blunt reminder of why research often can take longer than you anticipate...especially when you don't have the incredible benefit well-formatted data and/or team members or collaborators working with you on data-cleaning.

Today I'm grateful for...
Hot lemon water, the very unscientific treatment of choice to battle this head cold threatening to take over my sinus system. Beyond my stock of sinus pharmaceuticals, few things make me feel better than hot lemon water when I'm sick or at the cusp thereof.

Today's best part was...
Celebrating the newly minted Dr. Roy Burstein. I'm struggling to eloquently describe the mixture of awe, pride, and excitement I'm still tingling with. To see him present on his work, some of which I've contributed to and/or supported in one way or another; to recognize the years of analysis, code de-bugging, and revision behind his hour-long presentation; to know that with his successful defense and new role as the team lead at IHME Roy is about to write a new amazing chapter in his career...I couldn't be more proud of my friend and colleague.

Two weeks until Ljubljana!

In two weeks' time I'll be somewhere in a plane en route to Ljubljana for the 2018 European Public Health (EPH) Conference! I'm both excited and nervous, with latter incited by simply how much I need to get done between now and then.

Today I learned...
That post-midterms moment of solace is officially over. The latest biostats homework was a beast (to say the least), and well, it looks like a certain someone will be spending some more time at TA office hours...

Today I'm grateful for...
Others' patience and flexibility. I truly thought I set my alarm for 6 am, but much to my dismay I woke up just before 8 am...and my dear friend Mel was supposed to drop off her dog to stay at my place at 7 am. She would have had every right to be extremely frustrated (and if I were in her shoes, I probably would have been myself), but somehow she wasn't and everything was fine. As someone whose average patience levels are mediocre at best, it was a great reminder about better 'going-with-flow.'

Today's best part was...
Coming home to two dogs who were just so unabashedly happy to see me. That level of enthusiasm and pure adoration for someone doing so little - arriving home! - makes it really hard to remain too discouraged by biostats for too long.

Ahoy, four-day week ahead

Three-day weekends are swell, or at least until you realize you probably still need to squeeze five days' worth of work into the next week. Plus fun social events (I'm hosting the monthly Metrics' get-together on Wednesday), very exciting occasions (someone whose name rhymes with Soy Murstein has a doctoral defense on Friday [!!??!]), and a small dabble into cat-watching for a friend in a pinch.

Today I learned...
If you include multiple quotations within a graph's title in Stata, the title will then break at the quotation marks and create a new line (!?). And suddenly, my graph titles are much more readable...oh the little things.

Today I'm grateful for...
A beautiful afternoon (nearly 60 and sunny in Seattle...in November?!) in which I ran Gabby the dog up to the dogpark and back. She's now gently snoring on my bed and curling up at (or perhaps around) my feet. This dog brings me so much joy, and well, today I'm grateful for you Gabby.

Today's best part was...
Brunch with some lovely friends/colleagues. I miss having them in my day-to-day life, but I suppose catching up over breakfast burritos will suffice for now.